Monday | March 2, 2015
Employers Back Merit Based Contraception Coverage
New legislation allows employers to withhold contraception from female workers if job performance is lacking, forcimg them to abstain or go with the rhythm method.
TODAY'S TOP STORIES
Massachusetts Issues Lizza D Warning
The warning caught residents off guard who just finished digging out from 17 feet of snow.
Microsoft Unveils Long-Awaited eToilet
Microsoft's latest novelty combines SmartThrone innovation with patented eLoo technology.
Weapons-Grade Plutonium Price Hits All-Time High
A bump in the price of enriched Uranium, Isotopic-U3O8 35%, is partly to blame for the spike.
CAP NEWS BRIEFS
Scientists Discover Snow Turns Drivers Into Idiots
Seasonal Driving Disorder (SDD) causes drivers to forget things like what the brakes do.
Snowbound Commuters Use Kids To Hold Parking Spots
Even more common, say authorities, is residents leaving pets to hold their parking spots.
Study Finds Most Clams Severely Depressed
The study claims that only about .01% of all the clams in the world are really truly happy.
Cleanup Of Solar Energy Spill Underway In Montana
Sales of sunscreen have skyrocketed as officials warn of an extremely high UV index nearby.
Actor Reginald VelJohnson Still Wearing Cop Uniform
The former television star can be seen wandering the streets still pretending to be a cop.
Patriots Accused Of Using Nerf Footballs Against Colts
Officials claim New England played the entire third quarter with the Nerf Vortex Aero Howler.
CAP NEWS TRENDING
CAP NEWS VAULT
Feds Launch Investigation Into Medal-Shaving Scam
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «»
White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «»