Tuesday | September 30, 2014
Grimace Declares Free Agency, Signs With BK
Business analysts agree that signing Grimace is just the boost any restaurant needs to battle McDonald's, which has long held the number one fast food spot.
TODAY'S TOP STORIES
HS Band Members Getting Laid In Record Numbers
However, with so much focus on sex, it appears that band music quality is taking a dive.
NFL Player Caught On Film Hitting Every Button In Elevator
While the issue is under investigation, players are strongly encouraged to take the stairs.
Wesleyan University Mandates Coed Restrooms By 2017
Facilities will also install dual toilet paper holders in every stall for both over/under.
CAP NEWS BRIEFS
Marvel's Newest Superhero, The Rude Nude Dude
The Rude Nude Dude travels the city streets by night, naked and looking for disagreements.
FDA Approves Cigarettes That Taste Like Ass
The move should reduce the appeal of smoking to people who just don't like the taste of ass.
Joe Biden Pushes For More School Funding For 'Retards'
Critics attacked his choice of vocabulary, noting that retards are now called sped kids.
New "Speed Humping" All The Rage Among Singles
Also known as Hurry Humping, the trend first appeared at a party at the Playboy Mansion.
Kids Not Told To Sit Down, Shut Up Nearly Enough, Study Finds
The study attempts to ameliorate the negative stereotypes associated with angry parenting.
Kanye West Performs In Cemetery, Demands Dead Rise
He also knocked over all the gravestones so the corpses would have nothing to lean against.
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