Saturday | July 4, 2015
Obama To Take Scalpels, Sharp Objects Away From Doctors
The president noted that the days of doctors amputating the wrong limbs are over as everyone gets to keep all of their appendages under his new healthcare tactic.
TODAY'S TOP STORIES
Study: Axe Spray Makes Teenagers Smell Like Crap
And of those who smell like crap, a large percentage were found to smell like total crap.
Image Of Courtney Love Seen On Highway Overpass
State highway workers hooked up an industrial power washer and "sprayed the hell out of it."
Interplanetary Coalition To Shut Down Saturn
Preliminary plans call for Saturn's 31 biggest moons to be auctioned off early next year.
CAP NEWS BRIEFS
Retailers Disappointed In Earth Day Sales Numbers
Retail sales for the Earth Day shopping season fell almost ten percent from the mid-90's.
Todd Bridges Takes 'Willis Monologues' To Broadway
The show garnered critical acclaim during many off-Broadway performances at mall food courts.
SJC To Hear Challenge To Affordable Beer Act
Joe Biden said he doesn't care much about "Supreme Court stuff" but will follow this case.
Study Finds Many Old People Were Once Young
Despite the findings, many young people refuse to believe that some day they may become old.
Victoria's Secret Introduces Marriage-Saving Panties
The new line promises to instantly solve the myriad problems of all unfulfilled marriages.
Popeyes Chicken Reaching Out To Abandoned Bunnies
The rabbits will be making hundreds of the Popeyes franchise's loyal customers happy.
CAP NEWS TRENDING
CAP NEWS VAULT
Oprah Lands Jesus As Surprise Final Guest
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General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «» US State Department confirms that an airstrike has killed top al Qaeda leader Myhstar Belmyhstar in the Syrian port city of Kyrie «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» Taylor Swift says she plans to try speed dating because she's short on time and wants to pull together material for a new album «» Rick Perry to announce his 2016 presidential bid during opening statements of his public corruption trial «» Kim Kardashian announces she is pregnant, says she and Kanye plan to name the baby SXSW «» Hillary Clinton accuses Rand Paul of crank calling her at 3am but the NSA has no phone records with which to prove it «»
General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «» US State Department confirms that an airstrike has killed top al Qaeda leader Myhstar Belmyhstar in the Syrian port city of Kyrie «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» Taylor Swift says she plans to try speed dating because she's short on time and wants to pull together material for a new album «» Rick Perry to announce his 2016 presidential bid during opening statements of his public corruption trial «» Kim Kardashian announces she is pregnant, says she and Kanye plan to name the baby SXSW «» Hillary Clinton accuses Rand Paul of crank calling her at 3am but the NSA has no phone records with which to prove it «»