Thursday | April 24, 2014
Retailers Disappointed In Earth Day Sales Numbers
Retail sales for the Earth Day shopping season fell over four percent from last year's numbers and almost ten percent compared to the boon years of the mid-90's.
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Popeyes Chicken Reaching Out To Abandoned BunniesPopeyes Chicken Reaching Out To Abandoned Bunnies

The rabbits will be making hundreds of the Popeyes franchise's loyal customers happy.

Newsbreakers: Lucas Earls, Obesity VideographerNewsbreakers: Lucas Earls, Obesity Videographer

In this special report, we take a look at the one man who defined and refined the profession.

God Laying Off 200 Million To Ease OvercrowdingGod Laying Off 200 Million To Ease Overcrowding

God's human resources department said He will offer fair and equitable severance packages.

Newsmakers
Marc Price: I\'m Doing Okay, Everybody
@MarcPrice

Marc Price: I'm Doing Okay, Everybody

Rock And Roll Hall Again Denies Johnny Bravo
@BarryWilliams

Rock And Roll Hall Again Denies Johnny Bravo

New Lowercase Numbers Will Help Boost Economy
@FrankSanchez

New Lowercase Numbers Will Help Boost Economy

Hot Topics
NHL To Allow Brass Knuckles During Fights
#OrARollOfQuarters

NHL To Allow Brass Knuckles During Fights

NJ Bill Slaps Parents For Neglecting Child Photo-Ops
#SelfiePolitics

NJ Bill Slaps Parents For Neglecting Child Photo-Ops

Mine Regulators Reach Deal With Seven Dwarfs
#ItsOffToCourtWeGo

Mine Regulators Reach Deal With Seven Dwarfs

Newsreel
Study: Most Can Only Name One Peter Frampton Album

The administrators of the study admit that nobody under the age of 40 even knew who Peter Frampton was and nobody under 30 even had any idea what an album was.

Secret Memos Reveal Wal-Mart "God" Complex

The illegally-obtained memos detail Wal-Mart's plan to remove arms from greeters and surgically attach them to stock people in order to help maximize productivity.

Environmentally Friendly Car Runs On Excrement

The Precipitate Utilization Vehicle (PUV) is a green-concept car being tested by Albany-based Empire State Motors that runs almost entirely on human fecal matter.

Douchebags Finalize 2014 Dress Code

The American Council of Douchebags' 2014 Dress Code includes saggy cargo shorts, flip-up sunglasses, Crocs or Tevas, and the standard issue backwards baseball cap.

Archives
Liberal Gun-Hoarding On The Rise
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Giant Space Asteroids II - The Revenge!

Like most columnists, I started in this business for one reason and one reason only: to win the Nobel Prize for Column Writing.

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    Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «» The CDC reports that a mysterious stomach ailment has befallen 65% of the American population, with symptoms appearing en masse just hours following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. Most the cases are centered around the Pacific Northwest and appear related to that area's overall consumption of buffalo chicken dip. «» America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» Chinese officials are preparing to launch a group of children into space as part of a mission to fix that country's broken moon rover. "We hand-selected the finest worker from all of China sweatshop," said the Xinhua news agency. "They will restore China intergalactic glory or perhaps die trying." «» The man whose job it is to hold the 'applause' sign to queue audience members during President Obama's speeches is demanding a pay raise. "My arms still hurt from the State of the Union," Fritz Gorman said. "And I swear Joe Biden just claps whenever he feels like it. Loser." «» Former first lady Hillary Clinton admitted to CAP News that she hasn't showered since 1996, a defensive mechanism she used to keep Bill away. "It was rough smelling that ripe for so long," she said. "But now that I'm 66, I use old lady perfume and that shit masks everything." «» NBC confirms that Today co-host Matt Lauer will not be hosting the Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Sochi and instead will hand the reins to LL Cool J. "LL killed it at the Grammys and Matt's just gone stale," said one network executive. "Dude's like a black Ryan Seacrest, except funny." «» Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has signed a deal to appear in every commercial that will air during the Super Bowl, plus a few beforehand. "Who doesn't want Peyton's face on their product? Dude's the new Tom Brady," said one pundit. "I guess that makes Tom the new Tim Tebow." «»
    Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «» The CDC reports that a mysterious stomach ailment has befallen 65% of the American population, with symptoms appearing en masse just hours following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. Most the cases are centered around the Pacific Northwest and appear related to that area's overall consumption of buffalo chicken dip. «» America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» Chinese officials are preparing to launch a group of children into space as part of a mission to fix that country's broken moon rover. "We hand-selected the finest worker from all of China sweatshop," said the Xinhua news agency. "They will restore China intergalactic glory or perhaps die trying." «» The man whose job it is to hold the 'applause' sign to queue audience members during President Obama's speeches is demanding a pay raise. "My arms still hurt from the State of the Union," Fritz Gorman said. "And I swear Joe Biden just claps whenever he feels like it. Loser." «» Former first lady Hillary Clinton admitted to CAP News that she hasn't showered since 1996, a defensive mechanism she used to keep Bill away. "It was rough smelling that ripe for so long," she said. "But now that I'm 66, I use old lady perfume and that shit masks everything." «» NBC confirms that Today co-host Matt Lauer will not be hosting the Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Sochi and instead will hand the reins to LL Cool J. "LL killed it at the Grammys and Matt's just gone stale," said one network executive. "Dude's like a black Ryan Seacrest, except funny." «» Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has signed a deal to appear in every commercial that will air during the Super Bowl, plus a few beforehand. "Who doesn't want Peyton's face on their product? Dude's the new Tom Brady," said one pundit. "I guess that makes Tom the new Tim Tebow." «»