Tuesday | January 27, 2015
Snowbound Commuters Use Kids To Hold Parking Spots
Even more common, say authorities, is residents leaving pets in their parking spots: typically tied-up dogs but also ferrets, fish and gerbils in their cages.
TODAY'S TOP STORIES
Study Finds Most Clams Severely Depressed
The study claims that only about .01% of all the clams in the world are really truly happy.
Cleanup Of Solar Energy Spill Underway In Montana
Sales of sunscreen have skyrocketed as officials warn of an extremely high UV index nearby.
Actor Reginald VelJohnson Still Wearing Cop Uniform
The former television star can be seen wandering the streets still pretending to be a cop.
CAP NEWS BRIEFS
Patriots Accused Of Using Nerf Footballs Against Colts
Officials claim New England played the entire third quarter with the Nerf Vortex Aero Howler.
Kentucky Discovers Tunnel From West Virginia
Kentucky residents are wondering why people from West Virginia would go through the trouble.
Papa Gino's Perfects Non-Absorbent Napkin
The new environmentally-friendly napkin resists all liquids with which it comes in contact.
Islamic Radicals Target 'Garfield Minus Garfield'
The splinter group 'Garfield Minus Garfield Plus Garfield Equals Garfield' is behind this.
Study: Comic Book Females 'Improbably Busty'
Results show that their prodigious bosoms would interfere with their ability to fight crime.
U.S. Offers France Pick Of Any Celebrity For Next Peace Rally
Americans are always happy to assist as long as there aren't any other pressing commitments.
CAP NEWS TRENDING
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «» Porn website '2 Fat Chicks And A Concrete Barrel' files lawsuit against Black Lives Matter for trademark infringement following highway protest in Boston «» Texas appeals court upholds ruling that bans sale of home abortion kits, says instructional DVD not detailed enough and needs better actors «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «»
Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «» Porn website '2 Fat Chicks And A Concrete Barrel' files lawsuit against Black Lives Matter for trademark infringement following highway protest in Boston «» Texas appeals court upholds ruling that bans sale of home abortion kits, says instructional DVD not detailed enough and needs better actors «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «»