- TD Bank Replaces Frumpy Tellers With Sexy Coeds
- Law Would Make It Legal To Spank Others' Kids
- Girl Scouts: The Silent Killers
The newly fixed Obamacare website healthcare.gov has relaunched with some amazing Cyber Monday deals for the uninsured, including half off coverage for all children with apostrophes in their names. "Plus, if you buy insurance for two illegitimate children, we'll give you the third bastard free!" said Health Secretary Kathleen Sebelius.
Following word that he's leaving the Republican Party, Sen. Ted Cruz has announced that he's also leaving the Hispanic race for an ethnicity to be named later. "Time to try my hand at a new race, or even start my own," Cruz said. "I wish Hispanics all the best, though."
Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admits he once ran through City Hall while holding a pair of scissors after video surfaced showing him doing so. "What else does Toronto have to endure at the hands of this madman?" wrote one local blogger. "I don't even trust him with safety scissors."
Electronic music star Moby is soliciting fans to create songs for his new album so he can produce an album made entirely of songs created by his fans. "It'll be the easiest album I ever make," he said. "I may even let them each download a couple tracks for free."
New information following the disastrous launch of the healthcare.gov website reveals that 87% of those who enrolled in Obamacare actually thought they were buying lottery tickets. "I inputted my EBT card and was 'specting my numbers for Hot Lotto Sizzler," said one man. "How'm I gonna play online poker now?"
Iran President Hassan Rouhani says he will give United Nations inspectors access to his country's movie theatres in time for the premiere of Catching Fire. "What a radical shift from Ahmadinejad, who wouldn't let anyone watch The Hunger Games," said one UN official. "I hope we get some popcorn, too."
Convicted mobster Whitey Bulger has been sentenced to spend life in prison while his appendages are being nibbled on by rats. "It's not just regular justice, but poetic justice as well," said the prosecutor. "We'll be sure to slather on some Cheez Wiz to make certain he's good and tasty."
A United Nations agency with extra money in its budget has released a report stating that the leading cause of smog is outdoor air pollution. "We also believe smoke emanating from factories leads to air pollution," said the lead researcher. "But we'll need another grant before we can confirm that."
Two cosmonauts who carried the Russian Olympic torch on a spacewalk to promote the upcoming Winter Games accidentally dropped the torch and could do nothing but watch as it floated away. Lamented one official, "We told them to try string around wrist like child with balloon, but do they listen?"
Snack giant Lay's has introduced a new potato chip called 'Soggy Pickle' for their Childhood Memories line. "No, it's not a flavor: they're actually soaked in pickle juice just like lunch when you were a kid," said one developer. "The tough part is how to keep half the chip crunchy."
Researchers at ITT Technical Institute have created a state of the art ironing board that doesn't squeal like fingernails on a chalk board when opened. Next they're working on a series of ironing board covers featuring sports and bikini models to try to entice men to actually do the ironing.
Explorers combing through a desolate section of the Amazon have uncovered a lost tribe of indigenous peoples whose customs have turned popular theory upside down. "We've run numerous experiments, and it turns out these people actually don't like parades," said one researcher. "Next we're going to try them with pie."
A new study from that reputable medical facility finds the new health food you've been eating is actually bad for you. "We fed it to rats and they got violently ill," said one researcher. "Granted we gave them more than a 275-pound man could eat, but still. You've been warned."
A new report reveals Iranian President Hassan Rouhani has his fingers crossed every time he says he wants amicable diplomatic relations with the West. "We started getting suspicious when he wouldn't shake anyone's hand," said a source. "So we think his Peaceful Bomb Program may be code for something else."
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