Wednesday | April 1, 2015
CAP NEWS TICKER

NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time


NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones


Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin


Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up


A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas


Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn


New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time


Burger King announces plans to remove unhealthy options from kids meals, will offer empty boxes for $1.99


New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation


Apple accidentally unveils new watch at 12pm instead of 1pm after forgetting to turn device forward an hour for daylight savings

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