With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks."

Parental advisory groups are up in arms over the naming of the new One Direction sports drink, simply called OD. "Other than their obvious lack of originality, it's the slogan we don't like," said Mothers Against Everything. "Have You OD'ed Today? isn't exactly the message we should be sending children."

Researchers at Johns Hopkins University say they have isolated the hormone Honkytonkin, found predominantly in white males from Southern states. The protein is one of a new group of complex redneck carbohydrates similar genetically to white trash peptides and has the same molecular structure as cheap beer.

Disney has crowned its newest official princess, a somewhat short and stocky stringy-haired character named Frumpy Fran. "The life and accomplishments of all the other princesses are way too unachievable for little girls," said a spokesperson. "Fran is basically the princess from the projects, which more girls can relate to."

U.S. logging industry officials say these days, loggers are chopping down trees "just because" it's all they know how to do. "With the ailing housing market, dying newspaper industry and paperless billing, people aren't using as many trees," said one contractor. "Maybe some day people will need more fence posts."

The battle between Rush Limbaugh and WABC heated up as the radio station blamed low ad revenues on Rush's sobriety. "Nobody gives a crap about his politics anymore," said a source. "What they want to hear is the crazy-ass shit he says when he's all hopped up on prescription drugs."

A local auction house is accepting bids on a rock that came from astronaut Neil Armstrong's shoe. "No, it's not a moon rock or anything like that," said a spokesperson. "I think it got stuck in his shoe while he was working in his garden. But what a conversation piece!"

A new study suggests tomatoes may be unhealthy because we've been consuming them incorrectly. "We all grew up thinking tomatoes were a vegetable when they're actually a fruit, yet we continue to serve them like a vegetable," said one researcher. "We're eating them wrong, and it's going to cost us."

Venezuela has devalued its currency for the fifth time in nine years on word that the country is facing a shortage of talented prostitutes on the streets. Tourism officials fear a dip in the nation's hooker quality index following the death of president Hugo Chavez could permanently damage their industry.

NBA star Jason Collins has come out and publicly announced that he is black and has been his entire life, shocking teammates who "thought he just tanned really well." Said one friend, "There was always speculation, but after he appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated, we knew for sure."

With the first overall pick in the NFL draft, the Kansas City Chiefs have selected ACC referee Ron Cherry, a move expected to bolster a team whose only hope of winning this year is to have their own referee on payroll. "I wish we thought of that," noted the Jaguars.

Google has released an update to its new Google AfterLife® service which allows users to automatically delete their porn search history after they die. The new feature covers those instances when a user might die after watching porn but before clearing their browser history in order to prevent post-death embarrassment.

Fox News officials say the group who hijacked the Associated Press' Twitter account also hijacked their entire network during the manhunt for the second Boston Marathon bombing suspect. "I knew their coverage sucked too much to be real news reporters," said one pundit. "Not sure what MSNBC's excuse was, though."

Celebrity drunk Mel Gibson has come to the defense of Reese Witherspoon after the actress was charged with disorderly conduct during her husband's DUI stop. "That dyke didn't even use a single racial epithet," Gibson noted. "So the Jew media had better just leave that Episcopalian bimbo the hell alone!"