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Google Glass 2.0 Billed As "Better Than Reality"
MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. (CAP) - With the debut of Google Glass still some time away, creators have announced that they're already working on an alternate model for consumers who have no desire to "get off their lazy asses ever again."
Where its predecessor aims to help users better experience the world around them, Google Glass 2.0 eliminates the need to be out in the world altogether, insiders say.
Using cutting-edge virtual reality technology, 2.0 will give users the feeling that they're surrounded by friends, achieving their life goals, and have a purpose to go on living without requiring them to even get out of bed in the morning.
Though still in its developmental stages, preset experiences are said to include:
- Party full of cool kids who never spoke to you in high school but are now your friends on Facebook
- All you can eat buffet
Each pair will come with a hands-free alarm to notify loved ones when users need to be turned for bed sores.
WASHINGTON (CAP) - The Alliance For Internet Memes has voted 6-1 to resurrect the once popular term cray cray and expand it to a third cray for a whole new generation of tweens seeking their own identity through the use of slang and semi-original catch phrases.
"We understand that it actually sounds less cool to call something cray cray cray because it simply takes too long to say," AIM Executive Director Cameron Sherman said in the majority decision. "Therefore, proper use shortens it to triple cray, as in: Nigga, that shit triple cray!"
With the decision finalized, AIM now has the arduous task of trying to get the phrase into the mainstream in order to maximize usage and overexposure in the shortest amount of time possible. While the group has numerous tools at its disposal, the easiest to exploit may be its rapport with scriptwriters for Disney sitcoms.
BOSTON (CAP) - Twitter's vast network of assholes is taking credit this week for the location and capture of Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, noting that without their constant uninformed speculation, it's highly doubtful he would have been found.
"We were tweeting literally 24 hours a day all week about this," noted a Twitter asshole known as @sux4uu. "We had some really good ideas, like that it was fundamentalist Muslim clerics, or renegade priests, or Whitey Bulger."
Though not a single suggestion on Twitter wound up yielding anything close to reality, @sux4uu noted that without their contributions, the investigation would have been "wicked boring."