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Conn. Shootings Make Jack Reacher Look Even Stupider
PITTSBURGH (CAP) - Paramount Pictures postponed Saturday's premiere of the Tom Cruise film Jack Reacher in the wake of the Newtown, Conn. school shootings, which made the action movie look even more ridiculous and irresponsible than it had prior to the tragic events.
"As we prepared the film for release, we did so with the idea that it wasn't a completely stupid, violence-glorifying piece of crap," stated Paramount in a release. "Now we realize we were just kidding ourselves."
The shootings have also led to the postponements of events tied to several other upcoming releases, including the Sylvester Stallone vehicle Bullet To The Head, the first-person shooter video game Rise Of The Triad and every program scheduled for airing on the SPIKE TV network.
"We had actually been feeling pretty good about all of these, but suddenly we can't believe we've devoted our lives to marketing ultra-violent trash with absolutely no positive sociological value," said producers. "We're just going to sit quietly in the dark and soul-search for a while."
Meanwhile, the National Rifle Association (NRA) released a statement saying all of those releases looked just find to them, and recommended everybody just go about their business as usual.
NEW HAVEN, Conn. (CAP) - Over 1,100 coffee pots and countless pounds of coffee later, the city's first coffee maker exchange program for the homeless has closed down, a victim of budgeting shortfalls and shortsighted analysis of demand.
Dubbed Coffee Pots For The Poor, the effort was part of The New Haven Ten Year Plan to End Chronic Homelessness by providing coffee makers and ground coffee to the city's vast homeless population in exchange for needles and other drug and alcohol paraphernalia. The program ran into roadblocks right out of the gate but soldiered on.
"Homeless access to electricity is fairly limited, so in the first year we end up with a couple hundred homeless walking around the city chewing on coffee grounds because they have no way to actually brew the coffee," said a spokesperson for the United Way of Greater New Haven. "And we thought their teeth looked bad before!"
WASHINGTON (CAP) - In a sweeping and unusual move, the Justice Department has secretly obtained two months' worth of telephone records of journalists working for Cosmopolitan magazine, uncovering in the process hundreds of secret sex tips beyond those published in every issue of the magazine for the last 27 years.
According to Cosmo editor-in-chief Joanna Coles - author of How To Set His Man Bits On Fire, Possibly Literally - federal authorities obtained cellular, office and home telephone records of five individual sex tip reporters and both the Sex Tip Editor and Deputy Sex Tip Editor. She called the Justice Department's actions a "massive and unprecedented intrusion" into sex-tip-gathering activities.
"Which ironically enough would also describe many of our sex tips," she noted.