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Mormons Hope Accepting Gays Makes Them Fabulous
SALT LAKE CITY (CAP) - The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has softened its stance on homosexuality, hoping that a more accepting attitude will lead to a more inclusive and empathetic Mormon church, and also make Mormons seem at least slightly more fabulous.
"Let's face it, even a little bit would be an improvement," said LDS apostle D. Thomas Kristofferson. "We'd be happy just going from zero to one, you know what I'm saying?"
"We've always know there were gay members among us," noted church member Karen Fletcher of Logan, Utah. "They were the ones dressed in something other than polyester, with actual hairstyles."
By being more openly accepting of homosexuals, church leaders are hoping to strengthen bonds within families that have gay members, and also become more of the kind of church that might be associated with fashionable clothes, and campy pop culture references, and gala Broadway musicals.
"Just like an Annie Get Your Gun - not Chicago or anything," noted Kristofferson.
As for gays actually engaging in physical relationships, though, that's still off the table for the Mormon Church, said Kristofferson. "We're not going Evangelical like Rev. Ted Haggard or anything," he clarified.
As for marrying more than one woman, "That's still A-OK," he added.
WASILLA, Alaska (CAP) - As scientists continue to monitor recent explosions and seismic activity in Alaska's Cleveland Volcano, former Gov. Sarah Palin has informed local media outlets that she can indeed see the volcano from her porch, but that her family is safe and sound.
"Oh, yah, plain as day - it's practically in my back yard," Palin said as she offered chewing tobacco to reporters on her front lawn. "Todd and I were out back rustling up some grouse for dinner when we seen the ash and felt the rumblin'.
"So's I thought to myself, There goes ole Cleveland again!" she added. "But then I started yelling for a Code Pompei because who knows what was gonna happen!"
MEMPHIS (CAP) - The Elvis impersonator accused of sending a ricin-laced letter to President Obama says he's regretting picking the one week in all of U.S. history when his story would go completely unnoticed by the news media and the American public.
"In retrospect, the week before or the week after would have probably been a better bet," said Paul Kevin Curtis, who noted that not only didn't the story about an Elvis impersonator arrested for trying to kill the president not make the front pages, most people didn't even notice it at all.
"First there was the Boston bombings, then the Senate gun control vote, then the explosion in Texas, then the Boston manhunt," said Curtis from his Memphis jail cell, listing off the stories that drew attention away from his efforts.
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