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Little Debbie Arrested After Week-Long Snack Bender
CHATTANOOGA (CAP) - "Little Debbie" McKee, whose Zebra Cakes and Cosmic Brownies have long taken a back seat to Twinkies and Ring Dings, was arrested just outside Chattanooga yesterday after a reported wild bacchanal celebrating the downfall of Hostess Brands Inc.
"Who's moist and spongy NOW?" Debbie reportedly screamed repeatedly as police carted her off with her white straw hat hanging askew from its stampede string, and her checkered blue flannel shirt stained with tequila and what appeared to be dried creme from an Oatmeal Creme Pie.
During Little Debbie's week-long celebration, she was spotted near her Collegedale, Tenn., headquarters fueling a giant bonfire with Ring Dings and Devil Dogs, apparently releasing chemical fumes that sent more than two dozen people to area hospitals.
Hostess closed its doors last week, apparently unsuccessful at reviving its brand with new slogans such as "There's no poop in a Twinkie." Experts say Little Debbie, whose products also include Nutty Bars and Swiss Cake Rolls, will likely be the prime beneficiary of Hostess's downfall.
"Well, her and anybody who was still eating Hostess products," noted Sol Gittleberg of the Jean Mayer Human Nutrition Research Center.
WASHINGTON (CAP) - In a sweeping and unusual move, the Justice Department has secretly obtained two months' worth of telephone records of journalists working for Cosmopolitan magazine, uncovering in the process hundreds of secret sex tips beyond those published in every issue of the magazine for the last 27 years.
According to Cosmo editor-in-chief Joanna Coles - author of How To Set His Man Bits On Fire, Possibly Literally - federal authorities obtained cellular, office and home telephone records of five individual sex tip reporters and both the Sex Tip Editor and Deputy Sex Tip Editor. She called the Justice Department's actions a "massive and unprecedented intrusion" into sex-tip-gathering activities.
"Which ironically enough would also describe many of our sex tips," she noted.
WASILLA, Alaska (CAP) - As scientists continue to monitor recent explosions and seismic activity in Alaska's Cleveland Volcano, former Gov. Sarah Palin has informed local media outlets that she can indeed see the volcano from her porch, but that her family is safe and sound.
"Oh, yah, plain as day - it's practically in my back yard," Palin said as she offered chewing tobacco to reporters on her front lawn. "Todd and I were out back rustling up some grouse for dinner when we seen the ash and felt the rumblin'.
"So's I thought to myself, There goes ole Cleveland again!" she added. "But then I started yelling for a Code Pompei because who knows what was gonna happen!"
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