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Someone Out There Upset Over Bieber/Gomez Split
HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have broken up, a development that reportedly actually makes a difference in some people's lives, according to reports.
"It's strictly anecdotal, but there have been definite indications that there are at least a few people who reacted to news of this breakup with something other than total indifference," said Fitzroy Brown, director of sociological research for Caltech.
Brown said the vast majority of Americans failed to register even so much as a raised eyebrow at the development, although some muttered "Who?" under their breath before going on with their business. But a very small subset of people reacted with agitation and even concern, as if they knew Bieber and Gomez personally.
"Our research shows that most of these people are between the ages of 11 and 13 and suffering from fairly serious emotional retardation," said Brown.
As for the 593 news sources that reported the story, they too suffer from emotional retardation, said pretty much everybody.
HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Star Trek: Into Darkness, the second Trek movie in the series of reboots directed by J.J. Abrams, ruled the box office over the weekend, drawing almost as huge an audience as one of George Takei's Facebook memes involving Capt. Jean-Luc Picard or a cat.
"Really, we couldn't be any happier," said Peter Franklin of Paramount Pictures of the opening weekend gross. "About the only way we could have done better is if we had made a meme involving Darth Vader or Willy Wonka or gay marriage, and George Takei had shared it."
Takei, who played Hikaru Sulu in the original Star Trek series, now spends most of his time sharing memes on Facebook that are in turn liked and shared by his over 100 million followers, usually within minutes.
NEWPORT BEACH, Calif. (CAP) - Even as news continues to filter out about whether and where Lindsay Lohan has checked into rehab, officials at the Morningside Recovery Center are flattered that Lindsay Lohan would fly all the way across the country just to visit them - so much so that they have decided to name a wing after the troubled actress.
"Just as we are dedicated to providing exceptional care, treatment and services to the plethora of junkies, lushes and losers who walk through our doors, it's only appropriate that we honor those who show the same dedication by coming back again and again," the center said in a prepared statement.
The newly named Lohan Adjunct is located inside Morningside's clinical building and contains half a dozen general purpose rooms perfect for impromptu meetings with one's agent, signing the first 100 copies of one's tell-all book, or discussing rights to the movie with producers.
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