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PROVO (CAP) - Researchers at Brigham Young University studying footage that some say shows Bigfoot in the woods near Provo Canyon say the creature pictured may actually be another well-known figure.
"Look at the slumped shoulders, the hangdog expression, the tousled and yet somehow still perfect hairline," noted BYU researcher William Watkins. "That's Mitt Romney, all right."
Immediately after conceding the election, Romney reportedly flew to Utah, the only of his five "home states" - the others being Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Michigan and California - that actually voted for him. But he was said to have wandered off from his Park City estate shortly thereafter, muttering about "the 47 percent" and Donald Trump.
His clothes were later found in the woods near Wasatch Mountain State Park.
"It's entirely possible that he'll never be heard from again, just spotted periodically by hikers who capture blurry footage of him before he rambles off," said Watkins. "That would probably be best for everybody."
Upon hearing of the development, newly reelected President Barack Obama said he was now sorry he called Romney an asshole.
WASHINGTON (CAP) - In a sweeping and unusual move, the Justice Department has secretly obtained two months' worth of telephone records of journalists working for Cosmopolitan magazine, uncovering in the process hundreds of secret sex tips beyond those published in every issue of the magazine for the last 27 years.
According to Cosmo editor-in-chief Joanna Coles - author of How To Set His Man Bits On Fire, Possibly Literally - federal authorities obtained cellular, office and home telephone records of five individual sex tip reporters and both the Sex Tip Editor and Deputy Sex Tip Editor. She called the Justice Department's actions a "massive and unprecedented intrusion" into sex-tip-gathering activities.
"Which ironically enough would also describe many of our sex tips," she noted.
WASILLA, Alaska (CAP) - As scientists continue to monitor recent explosions and seismic activity in Alaska's Cleveland Volcano, former Gov. Sarah Palin has informed local media outlets that she can indeed see the volcano from her porch, but that her family is safe and sound.
"Oh, yah, plain as day - it's practically in my back yard," Palin said as she offered chewing tobacco to reporters on her front lawn. "Todd and I were out back rustling up some grouse for dinner when we seen the ash and felt the rumblin'.
"So's I thought to myself, There goes ole Cleveland again!" she added. "But then I started yelling for a Code Pompei because who knows what was gonna happen!"
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