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ROCK & ROLL
Kiss Celebrates 40 Years Of Noone Knowing They're Gay
LOS ANGELES (CAP) - Legendary rock band Kiss has passed a major milestone in their storied career - four decades of rocking and/or rolling all night and partying every day without anyone realizing they're all gay.
"I've been wearing trench coats and a sailor's cap, suspenders and a vest for damn near 40 years," lead singer Paul Stanley said during an invite-only orgy to celebrate the occasion. "Nobody seems to get it."
While makeup, hair spray and fishnet gloves have long been completely acceptable attire in the world of heavy metal music, being an actual homosexual remains frowned upon by the all-male leather-clad teenage boys who make up the dominant target market.
"Luckily the little buggers are very slow to pick up a hint," said drummer Eric Singer, who didn't become gay until after joining the band in 1991.
With the secret out, co-founder Gene Simmons has announced the release of a special line of gay-friendly Kiss albums with the exact same songs, cover art, and liner notes as their previous albums but at double the regular price.
HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Star Trek: Into Darkness, the second Trek movie in the series of reboots directed by J.J. Abrams, ruled the box office over the weekend, drawing almost as huge an audience as one of George Takei's Facebook memes involving Capt. Jean-Luc Picard or a cat.
"Really, we couldn't be any happier," said Peter Franklin of Paramount Pictures of the opening weekend gross. "About the only way we could have done better is if we had made a meme involving Darth Vader or Willy Wonka or gay marriage, and George Takei had shared it."
Takei, who played Hikaru Sulu in the original Star Trek series, now spends most of his time sharing memes on Facebook that are in turn liked and shared by his over 100 million followers, usually within minutes.
NEWPORT BEACH, Calif. (CAP) - Even as news continues to filter out about whether and where Lindsay Lohan has checked into rehab, officials at the Morningside Recovery Center are flattered that Lindsay Lohan would fly all the way across the country just to visit them - so much so that they have decided to name a wing after the troubled actress.
"Just as we are dedicated to providing exceptional care, treatment and services to the plethora of junkies, lushes and losers who walk through our doors, it's only appropriate that we honor those who show the same dedication by coming back again and again," the center said in a prepared statement.
The newly named Lohan Adjunct is located inside Morningside's clinical building and contains half a dozen general purpose rooms perfect for impromptu meetings with one's agent, signing the first 100 copies of one's tell-all book, or discussing rights to the movie with producers.
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