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MILESTONES
Historic Week Passes With No GOP Rape Comments
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Americans celebrated a significant milestone today when it was confirmed that an entire week had elapsed without the media reporting a single horrifying rape-related comment from a conservative politician.
"I honestly can't remember the last time more than a day or two went by without some gray-haired male Senate candidate making a totally batshit statement about rape," said Missouri resident Bruce Andrews.
"For a while it seemed like almost every news cycle brought us a new and increasingly outlandish opinion on what has long been considered a fairly straightforward concept," he said. "I almost have the urge to blurt something crazy about how the right to rape is protected by the Constitution, just to fill the void."
He added, "Oh God, did I just say that? What the hell is wrong with me?!"
Many Americans have welcomed the chance to focus on other issues, or at least the chance to turn on the news without hearing pundits discuss comments like Wisconsin state Rep. Roger Rivard's observation that "some girls rape easy" or Indiana Senate candidate Richard Mourdock's statement that pregnancy from rape was "something God intended" or Washington congressional candidate John Koster saying he opposes abortions, even in cases of "the rape thing."
"Legitimate rape, forcible rape - frankly, it's exhausting keeping up with our constantly growing lexicon of descriptive terms for rape," said linguistics professor Lillian Fink. "It's certainly been nice to have a brief respite from all of that.
"After this week, I feel refreshed," she added. "In fact, I think that when the next terrifyingly callous, scientifically inaccurate or patronizing rape-related comment is reported, I'll be ready to dive right back into the semantics and outrage."
Political analyst Thom Guthrie told CAP News that he does not expect the silence to continue for very long. "Every time I log onto CNN.com I half expect to read about a Tea Party candidate's statement that rape is not that big a deal because certain species of animals rape each other, hello, or something similarly idiotic," he said.
"I can just tell it's coming, and soon. It's been too quiet on the crazy-rape-comment front, and I think the worst is far from over. You might even say that we're in the eye of the rape-storm," he said. "Please don't print that. I don't know where it came from."
In fact, immediately following Guthrie's interview, Georgia state Rep. Terry England claimed during a speech for Romney in Ohio that "rape creates jobs."
"Or is it that taxes rape job-creators?" he said. "Well, either way."
AUSTIN, Tex. (CAP) - As President Obama marked the first stop on his Middle Class Jobs & Opportunity Tour with rhetoric about boosting jobs and opportunities, he waited until the cameras stopped rolling to get down to brass tacks with the residents who had gathered to hear him speak.
"Listen, you told me you needed help getting jobs, I told you to wear slacks," Obama said. "You told me it was raining out, I got you ponchos.
"Now you're worried about everything you've worked for all falling apart, so I have a simple solution," he added. "Taco Tuesdays."
WASHINGTON (CAP) - President Obama has announced his support of the Pentagon's latest plan to provide a missile defense system for the United States, even though it does not include lasers, invisible jets, or invisible jets with lasers.
The Strategic Dome Initiative offers $1 billion in funding to erect a translucent, impenetrable dome over the continental United States that would not only deflect missiles launched from anywhere in the world, but also meteors falling from the sky and other as yet unidentified apocalyptic events.
"I prefer to think of it as more of a, uhh, force field than a dome," Obama told reporters. "Think Star Wars, not New Orleans Saints."
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