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Desperate Trump Ponies Up $5 Mil For Obama's Blood
NEW YORK (CAP) - After failing to entice Sarah Palin with a $5 million offer to share her gynecological records and then finding himself shuttled off the front page by Hurricane Sandy, a dejected Donald Trump has once again taken to YouTube in an attempt to spend the money burning a hole in his pocket.
"My friends, I recently came before you and offered Mr. Obama an opportunity to donate five million dollars to any charity he wanted and all he had to do was release a few sheets of paper concerning his past," began the video, which featured Trump sitting in a large chair, stroking a cat. "This only strengthens my belief that Mr. Obama is not who he claims to be. The American people deserve the truth."
The impetuous and often polarizing Trump then went on to revamp his proposal so that it was no longer directed only at the president, but rather the public at large.
"Here's my new offer, people. I will donate five million dollars to the charity of your choice if you provide me with just one pint of Mr. Obama's blood."
The exact purpose of the blood was not explained in the video, but pundits point to Trump's eagerness to create more transparency in the current administration.
"Mr. Trump has long been interested in convincing the Obama White House to open up about the president's past," says Fox political analyst Robin Norwood. "What better way to learn all there is to know about a man than to collect a sample of his blood?"
For his part, Trump seemed unconcerned with the methodology surrounding the collection of the blood sample, stating, "If you can get him to sit down and donate the blood like a real man, which I doubt, that will be just fine. If you have to use some other means, well, that's just fine too. I just want that blood."
The video, which was released on Mr. Trump's YouTube channel this morning, has already collected over two million views, not to mention a slew of comments.
"God Bless Trump for seaking (sic) the truth!" said YouTube user TeaPartyAnimal.
Another user, NOBAMA2012, chimed in with this comment, "I'll bet you anything that his blood isn't even red! That otta prove without a doubt that he isn't American!"
While this latest challenge from Trump might have some thinking twice about the president and his potential re-election, it remains unclear just what exactly Trump has planned for the pint of blood.
PURCELLVILLE, Vir. (CAP) - When Wayne Rooney tells people what he does for a living, he's usually met with some measure of disdain, if not downright disgust. Wayne is a horse breeder, and owner and proprietor of Comestible Colt Farms in this small Loudoun Valley town.
Except Wayne doesn't breed horses for show or for racing - he breeds them for eating.
"I love every one of my horses from the moment they're born right up until they're on a plate with a baked potato and a side of steamed broccoli," says Rooney. "Splash on a little bit of A1 sauce ... whoo-wee! That's good eatin'."
BOSTON (CAP) - Embarrassed New York Times executives, in preparing for an impending sale of their New England media group including the Boston Globe, were surprised to discover this week that the Globe hadn't published a daily print edition in more than two years.
"We knew things weren't great up there, but we thought they were at least still publishing," said New York Times spokeswoman Ellen Murphy. "You'd think we'd have gotten a phone call, an email, something..."
Apparently the people at the Times weren't the only ones who failed to notice when the Globe ceased publication. A CAP News survey of 5,000 Boston-area residents found that more than 90 percent of them had no idea the Globe had stopped printing, and most of the ones that did were former Globe employees, homeless people who had been using the paper for blankets, or papier mache aficionados.
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