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Chris Christie Praises Sen. Scott Brown, Eats Him
FRAMINGHAM, Mass. (CAP) - Sen. Scott Brown was joined yesterday on the campaign trail in Framingham by New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, one of the nation's leading champions of balanced budgets and government reform.
There, Christie praised Brown's bipartisan record and his ability to work with Democrats to solve problems, and then swallowed him whole.
Witnesses say Christie extolled Brown's bipartisan efforts in the Senate, and then unhinged his jaw, not unlike a giant, corpulent serpent, and ate Brown from the head down, slowly drawing the senator into his tremendous gullet and digesting him over a period of several hours.
Christie, who was named the "least scary" and "fattest" potential GOP presidential contender in a USA Today/Gallup poll in August of 2011, has only rarely eaten his fellow Republicans, but today reportedly went on stage hungry after missing his usual lunch of 2,625 pounds of zooplankton.
"I really respect Christie's positions on fiscal issues," noted Cyndi Carlson of Sherborn, Mass., who added that she'd been undecided until Christie's endorsement prompted her to go for Brown. "Until Christie ate him, that is. I guess I'll have to vote for Elizabeth Warren now."
Though he had endorsed Brown's opponent Martha Coakley during the last Senate campaign, Ted Kennedy's reanimated corpse has yet to comment on the current contest.
WASHINGTON (CAP) - President Obama has announced his support of the Pentagon's latest plan to provide a missile defense system for the United States, even though it does not include lasers, invisible jets, or invisible jets with lasers.
The Strategic Dome Initiative offers $1 billion in funding to erect a translucent, impenetrable dome over the continental United States that would not only deflect missiles launched from anywhere in the world, but also meteors falling from the sky and other as yet unidentified apocalyptic events.
"I prefer to think of it as more of a, uhh, force field than a dome," Obama told reporters. "Think Star Wars, not New Orleans Saints."
WASHINGTON (CAP) - A new bill introduced in the Senate takes a drastically different approach to gun control by applying some of the same criteria to semi-automatic weapons as to criminal behavior itself, a compromise both sides of the aisle could agree on.
"Bill S.150a applies a level of personification ramification justification to gun control," said Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA). "Guns, like people, need to be innocent until proven guilty."
Under the new legislation, an assault weapon will only be banned from legal sale in the United States if that weapon has been proven to be used in the commission of a crime.