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WALL STREET
Spam Futures Decline On Weaker Demand For Cialis
NEW YORK (CAP) - Unsolicited commercial email futures fell sharply in early delivery today as spam traders reported lower than expected earnings from the standard slate of products and services typically offered via such practices. Weakening demand for weight loss pills, cialis and free credit scores is forcing the industry to rethink its approach.
"It's the experienced spammer who can ride the cyclical trends of the marketplace and knows when it's time to stop selling acai berry and start pushing raspberry ketone," said industry analyst Marc Holmstein. "Woe to the internet marketer who's still filling inboxes with offers for ink jet cartridges - that ship sailed a decade ago."
Simple mail transfer protocol delivery success rates were lower than expected at the closing bell yesterday, leading the American Registry for Internet Numbers to reduce growth forecasts for the East Asia and Pacific region. Speculation that a slowdown in email viruses originating in China could dip worldwide markets into a false sense of security fueled concerns of a slow recovery.
"Nigeria has stepped up where China has backed down," said CAP News Internet Expert Randall Kiper. "Consumers may be seeing fewer Chinese viruses, but Nigerian royalty are coming out of the woodwork looking for overseas bank accounts into which to transfer their fortunes.
"It's a market of attention, so the question is - can Nigeria outdo lower auto rates and Olive Garden gift cards?" questioned Kiper. "I say not when there's also a free iPad offer staring me in the face. You can't compete with that."
Spam rallied last week after a slow start thanks to a late push by Canadian pharmaceutical companies, but analysts warn against expecting a similar turnaround this week as blacklist efforts climbed to their highest level in three quarters.
"We might be in rough shape today, but I think it's misleading to rely solely on current spam futures," warned Holmstein. "Upward trends in the spambot and other botnet commodities markets are more of an indicator of where we'll be three months from now - naked and full of spam."
Holmstein also pointed out that too many analysts are ignoring the long-term porn market, where volatility with high-yield non-junk porn has led to lower than expected growth forecasts among first-time porn buyers. However, he noted that interest rates remain high for short-term porn, which could help spam pull out of its downward spiral.
"And when you're dealing in long-term porn, you have to know when to pull out," said Holmstein. "That's just good business."
Spam stocks edged slightly higher today on word that consumers can date local women in their area tonight or refinance their mortgage for as low as 2.62% all with just the click of a mouse.
PURCELLVILLE, Vir. (CAP) - When Wayne Rooney tells people what he does for a living, he's usually met with some measure of disdain, if not downright disgust. Wayne is a horse breeder, and owner and proprietor of Comestible Colt Farms in this small Loudoun Valley town.
Except Wayne doesn't breed horses for show or for racing - he breeds them for eating.
"I love every one of my horses from the moment they're born right up until they're on a plate with a baked potato and a side of steamed broccoli," says Rooney. "Splash on a little bit of A1 sauce ... whoo-wee! That's good eatin'."
BOSTON (CAP) - Embarrassed New York Times executives, in preparing for an impending sale of their New England media group including the Boston Globe, were surprised to discover this week that the Globe hadn't published a daily print edition in more than two years.
"We knew things weren't great up there, but we thought they were at least still publishing," said New York Times spokeswoman Ellen Murphy. "You'd think we'd have gotten a phone call, an email, something..."
Apparently the people at the Times weren't the only ones who failed to notice when the Globe ceased publication. A CAP News survey of 5,000 Boston-area residents found that more than 90 percent of them had no idea the Globe had stopped printing, and most of the ones that did were former Globe employees, homeless people who had been using the paper for blankets, or papier mache aficionados.
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