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Obama Tells Pakistan To Stop Whining About Drones
WASHINGTON (CAP) - In the face of criticism from the United Nations regarding the ongoing United States drone program in Pakistan, President Obama is offering reassurance to the Pakistani people, many of whom are reportedly too terrified to go about their regular daily lives, fearing that an American drone will strike their place of worship, home, school, or vehicle.
"We're not going after people willy nilly," Obama said in a video press conference. "It's actually been much more willy. So you all can relax and know that America has your back.
"If you don't have a target on it, that is."
With a tinge of disappointment, Obama noted that Pakistan has been falling short of its history as a courageous nation, now in danger of turning into a nation of whiners. "So I'd strongly urge the Pakistani people to stop droning on about drones and to be blunt, get a life," he added.
Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney agreed that the complaints from self-styled Pakistani martyrs need to stop, pointing out that "47 or 48% of Pakistani people, possibly even up to 100%," consider themselves victims who are dependent on the U.S. government not to take their lives.
"I'm not concerned with those people," Romney said. "Being people of color, they'd almost certainly vote for Obama, no matter what."
However, a joint study by Stanford Law School and New York University Law School found that 75% of Pakistanis actually consider the United States their enemy, and would presumably never vote for Obama, even if they could. The study further found that only two percent of those killed by drones have been top military leaders, with some 400-800 civilians killed.
Nevertheless, Obama stood behind the drone program, discounting the many legal scholars and attorneys who claim it violates established international law as well as American constitutional law. Obama told his video audience that under his administration's definition, all adult males killed in drone strikes are considered "combatants."
"Applying this definition, these drone strikes have been extremely precise," Obama said, "accurately hitting only active terrorists who admittedly may have started off as civilians, but who regrettably morphed posthumously into terrorists posing an imminent threat to our national security."
Fearing that his astute legal analysis could go over the turbaned heads of his Pakistani viewers, the president changed his tack, pointing out an oft-overlooked benefit of the drone strikes: keeping Pakistani families together.
"If fear of drones keeps your teenagers off the streets, and prevents husbands from straying from their wives because they're afraid to leave their homes at night, so much the better!" he noted.
At the close of the discussion, one Pakistani reporter remarked that had President Obama sincerely sought to reassure Pakistanis, an in-person appearance would have been more effective than a remote video conference.
"I wholeheartedly agree," the President responded empathetically. "But unfortunately, I'm responsible for the safety of nations, and I just couldn't take the chance of being hit by a stray drone."
VATICAN CITY (CAP) - Vatican employees are threatening en masse to leave the Catholic faith and convert to Protestantism if Pope Francis does not back down from his decision to cancel bonuses for workers following his election.
"Well, on your way out, don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you," said Pope Francis as he waved off the threat. "The only way anyone's getting any extra money around here is if they get fiddled by a priest and sue us.
"Otherwise, get back to work," he added. "My robes don't fold themselves."
WASHINGTON (CAP) - In the wake of continued threats against the United States by North Korean leaders comes word that President Obama is set to launch a new initiative aimed at "putting the smack down" on that country's nuclear threat.
"Frankly, I'm sick of the bullshit and their mamby pamby games: moving missiles here, moving missiles there," Obama said during today's press briefing. "Do you need a missile? We'll send you a missile. We'll send you a dozen fucking missiles.
"I have one message for you, Kim Jong Un," he added. "Back the fuck up, or prepare to be PUNK'D."