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Doctors Advise Against Swing Sets, Back Yards

Doctors Advise Against Swing Sets, Back Yards
Dr. Barbara Smathers asks the CAP News photographer to "hurry it up already" so she can get the children off the swing set "before they meet their maker."

NEW YORK (CAP) - The American Academy of Pediatrics has issued a warning for parents, calling attention to the dangers inherent in outdoor swing sets, jungle gyms, and back yard use in general. The statement notes that limiting or eliminating use of these items can drastically reduce the rate of injury to children and inconvenience to parents.

"Every year we see an increase in the number of scraped knees, twisted ankles, grass stains - you name it," said Dr. Barbara Smathers, who helped draft the new statement. "If I told you the number of children who stepped in dog poo in their back yards last year, you would be astounded - simply astounded."

The new statement updates recommendations from 1999, which caused parents to begin micromanaging their children's outdoor activities and in some cases remove unstructured play entirely. Smathers says for the past decade, parents have done a fantastic job instilling the fear of God in their children when they step outside the front door, but need to do a better job at the back of the house as well.

"These days we wouldn't dream of letting our children get on a bicycle without a helmet, elbow pads, knee pads, wrist guards, shin protectors, and a cell phone," researcher Dr. Jeff Manningham noted. "So why are we so lax when our kids are sitting on a cracked piece of plastic dangling from a wooden structure by two rusty chains, swinging five feet in the air?"

The study investigated dozens of items commonly found in back yards that were once considered acceptable for children to use or be in the general vicinity of and found hidden dangers ranging from unlevel yards that could result in kids running too fast downhill to age-appropriate toys that get left in the rain and become dirty to flowers and leaves and grass that would make someone sick if ingested.

"Not only that, but the chances of possible injury go through the roof when children venture into wooded areas even if those areas are part of or adjacent to their own properties," said Smathers. "Follow-up studies have shown that woods contain sticks, a full 80% of which can be pointy. And pointy things can jab and/or poke.

"Nobody thinks twice about covering their kids with bug spray to protect against mosquitoes you can't even see," added Smathers. "So why wouldn't you cover them with layers of padding to protect against jabby pokey things that are easily visible to the naked eye?"

While the study fell short of condemning back yards altogether, it did recommend filling children's spare time with organized activities and team sports, thus removing the need for a back yard and the dangers associated with it. The study also pointed out the advancements in virtual technology that allow children to take part in numerous outdoor activities from the safety of their own living rooms.

"With something like the Wii, for example, you can ski jump, wind surf and race a Mario Kart through Coconut Mall all in one afternoon," said Manningham. "Can your back yard do that?"

The AAP will also be releasing an addendum in a few weeks that addresses the rash of hamstring injuries resulting from children requesting and being given explicit permission to take one giant leap forward, along with mitigating actions to replace that with five baby steps.

- CAP News Staff
health BRIEFS
Mama June Wedding Devalues All Marriages
Mama June Wedding Devalues All Marriages

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A new study out of the Pew Research Center finds that the wedding of Honey Boo Boo's mother June Shannon to longtime boyfriend Mike Thompson has devalued all marriages to the point where people are ashamed to admit they share the same connubial status as the reality show couple.

"People have been watching the train wreck that is Mama June and Sugar Bear since Honey Boo Boo's Toddlers & Tiaras days and - Oh my God, I can't believe I just said that sentence with a straight face," said Pew spokesman Dr. Francis Spitznagel.

"The bottom line is that 87% of the couples we surveyed wanted to immediately annul their marriages just to ensure they had nothing in common with those two wastoids," Spitznagel added. "The other 13% thought we were talking about a new Yogi Bear movie."


Judge Lifts Limits On 'Morning After' Lollipop
Judge Lifts Limits On 'Morning After' Lollipop

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Once attainable only by prescription or on the black market through Canadian pharmacies, the so-called 'Morning After' lollipop will soon be available over the counter thanks to a federal court's ruling.

"As the age of children having sex continues to drop, we're getting to the point where they aren't even old enough to be able to swallow a pill," U.S. District Court Judge Edward Korman wrote in his decision.

"It's time our medications keep pace with our society," he added.


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A new study suggests tomatoes may be unhealthy because we've been consuming them incorrectly. "We all grew up thinking tomatoes were a vegetable when they're actually a fruit, yet we continue to serve them like a vegetable," said one researcher. "We're eating them wrong, and it's going to cost us." «» After successfully growing a kidney in a laboratory, scientists at Mass. General Hospital have now also managed to grow a pair, a breakthrough expected to help men overcome their fear of women. "Imagine approaching women of your own volition without alcohol," said one scientist. "You're just one organ transplant away." «» North Dakota is now banning all abortions after six weeks, a move expected to boost the state's sagging population. "Lots of people leave the state because of stupid laws like this," said Gov. Jack Dalrymple. "So we need stupid laws like this to replenish our numbers. It's quite the Catch-22." «» Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries has caved to the backlash against his discriminatory marketing, saying he will open a new store called Abercrombie & Fatso. "I'm telling you right now, plus sizes means plus prices," he said. "But I think if anyone can make fat people cool, it's me." «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» Parental advisory groups are up in arms over the naming of the new One Direction sports drink, simply called OD. "Other than their obvious lack of originality, it's the slogan we don't like," said Mothers Against Everything. "Have You OD'ed Today? isn't exactly the message we should be sending children." «» Researchers at Johns Hopkins University say they have isolated the hormone Honkytonkin, found predominantly in white males from Southern states. The protein is one of a new group of complex redneck carbohydrates similar genetically to white trash peptides and has the same molecular structure as cheap beer. «» Disney has crowned its newest official princess, a somewhat short and stocky stringy-haired character named Frumpy Fran. "The life and accomplishments of all the other princesses are way too unachievable for little girls," said a spokesperson. "Fran is basically the princess from the projects, which more girls can relate to." «» U.S. logging industry officials say these days, loggers are chopping down trees "just because" it's all they know how to do. "With the ailing housing market, dying newspaper industry and paperless billing, people aren't using as many trees," said one contractor. "Maybe some day people will need more fence posts." «» The battle between Rush Limbaugh and WABC heated up as the radio station blamed low ad revenues on Rush's sobriety. "Nobody gives a crap about his politics anymore," said a source. "What they want to hear is the crazy-ass shit he says when he's all hopped up on prescription drugs." «»