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Romney Software Upgrade Nears Release Date
BOSTON (CAP) - Sources inside the Mitt Romney software development team confirmed today that the animatronic presidential candidate is about to receive a major software upgrade.
"We've finally licked the hardware issues and Mitt's movements and facial expressions are now almost human," stated one of the developers. "Also, the new gyro helped stop him from veering to the far right all the time. But the software bugs have been a nightmare."
Industry experts agreed, noting that "the Romneytronic software hasn't been delivering the goods," according to Dale Friesner, a senior technology editor at cnet.com.
"The inside story is that they outsourced most of the development work on the previous release to China at Mitt's request because he refused to pay U.S. rates for the work," Friesner said. "Unfortunately, these Chinese software developers have a very limited knowledge of American society.
"For example, apparently they believe that Russia is our greatest threat and that almost half of Americans - about 47% - are lazy freeloaders while the other half are all job creators," he noted.
Romney campaign manager Matt Rhoades confirmed Freisner's concerns, telling CAP News the entire situation was just a software glitch and that "Mitt has often remarked about what a wonderful, hard-working population we have here in the U.S because he admires his maid Consuela so much."
"And he knows that the international terrorist threat is our biggest national security concern because he used to watch 24," Rhoades pointed out. "But those software bugs were distorting his message and really messing up his head. It's why he couldn't make up his mind about his positions and looked like a deer in the bright headlights of a runaway tractor-trailer whenever he was put under pressure.
"This upgrade will help him change course and steer his way right into the White House," Rhoades added.
NBC News political director Chuck Todd said he believes Romney will try to steer that course right down the middle of the road. "This upgrade seems to coincide with a moment in his troubled campaign when Romney desperately needs to recast himself as a moderate centrist rather than a far-right ideologue," he said.
The Obama camp is taking a wait and see attitude about the Romney software upgrade. "We're not concerned," said one senior advisor. "Windows 98 was supposed to be an upgrade, too. And just like that 20th-century software disaster, we strongly suspect that Mitt Romney is going to freeze and crash again very soon."
AUSTIN, Tex. (CAP) - As President Obama marked the first stop on his Middle Class Jobs & Opportunity Tour with rhetoric about boosting jobs and opportunities, he waited until the cameras stopped rolling to get down to brass tacks with the residents who had gathered to hear him speak.
"Now you're worried about everything you've worked for all falling apart, so I have a simple solution," he added. "Taco Tuesdays."
WASHINGTON (CAP) - President Obama has announced his support of the Pentagon's latest plan to provide a missile defense system for the United States, even though it does not include lasers, invisible jets, or invisible jets with lasers.
The Strategic Dome Initiative offers $1 billion in funding to erect a translucent, impenetrable dome over the continental United States that would not only deflect missiles launched from anywhere in the world, but also meteors falling from the sky and other as yet unidentified apocalyptic events.
"I prefer to think of it as more of a, uhh, force field than a dome," Obama told reporters. "Think Star Wars, not New Orleans Saints."