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Bill Nye Video Slams Zombie Apocalypse Theorems
LOS ANGELES (CAP) - American science educator and television host Bill Nye continued his assault on teaching methodology this week with the release of a new YouTube video that takes issue with current prevailing theories surrounding the impending zombie apocalypse and its inevitable aftermath.
"When you have a portion of the population that doesn't believe in the zombie apocalypse and teaches their children it's hogwash, it puts everyone's lives at risk," Nye says in the video. "If you want to stay boarded up in your house until they come for you, that's fine.
"But don't let your children get eaten," he adds after a lengthy pause. "You owe them that much."
In the video, Nye asserts that the majority of American adults are ill-equipped to survive a zombie outbreak, basing their knowledge and perspicacity on how zombies are portrayed in popular culture rather than the underlying science and empirical data of what makes the walking dead tick.
"How are we as a society preparing for the zombies? Stocking up on crossbows and crowbars is not the answer," says Nye. "If we get to the point where our survival is based on the weaponry we have on hand, it's already too late.
"Survival begins now, by being proactive - not reactive," Nye goes on to say. "The sooner undead science is added to the classroom curriculum, the more likely our children will be able to prevent the apocalypse before it happens."
This marks Nye's second controversial video in as many weeks, having recently caused a stir by suggesting that teaching creationism over evolution is akin to "telling children the world is flat, like an 11-year-old girl's chest." Religious officials denounced the video, saying some girls develop more quickly than others, which is how God created them.
"And frankly, zombies don't care whether a 13-year-old girl pads her bra or not, no matter what Bill Nye would have you believe," said Zombie Research Society board chairman Matt Mogk. "Popular girls, mean girls, shy girls - they all taste the same to a zombie, nature's great equalizer.
"I think if Mr Wizard were still here, he'd agree with me," Mogk added.
Judging by the number of comments Nye's video has received, most zombie pundits have had some sort of emotional response to the science guy's philosophy. However, many note that their anger is not so much directed at Nye himself or his bias, but that he has "made us painfully aware of our shortcomings in general zombie preparedness."
"It took 9/11 for us to put real homeland security in place and Hurricane Katrina to have proper emergency management," said CAP News zombie expert Josh Saviano. "But our first zombie outbreak will be our last - it's not a learn as you go scenario, but more like learn as you die."
Nye's video has already topped two million views on YouTube and he said he plans to tour the daytime talk show circuit to discuss the controversy, "except The Today Show because they never take anything seriously."
BOSTON (CAP) - Twitter's vast network of assholes is taking credit this week for the location and capture of Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, noting that without their constant uninformed speculation, it's highly doubtful he would have been found.
"We were tweeting literally 24 hours a day all week about this," noted a Twitter asshole known as @sux4uu. "We had some really good ideas, like that it was fundamentalist Muslim clerics, or renegade priests, or Whitey Bulger."
Though not a single suggestion on Twitter wound up yielding anything close to reality, @sux4uu noted that without their contributions, the investigation would have been "wicked boring."
SAN FRANCISCO (CAP) - As details begin to emerge about Twitter's new music offering, company officials confirm the service will include only the chorus of songs, calling it "an innovative microlistening platform."
"At Twitter, we believe you only need 140 characters to convey your thoughts," said CEO Dick Costolo. "So it stands to reason that you only need 20 seconds to sing your song.
"Seriously, do I have to listen to your chorus three times to enjoy your song?" Costolo added. "You're popping tags, I get it. Let's move on."
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