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AUTO INDUSTRY
New Auto Standards Call For Flying Cars, Lasers
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Hot on the heels of new federal fuel-economy and carbon-emission guidelines comes word that automakers will have even tougher standards to meet beyond 2025. Among the new requirements are such things as multi-variant aerial mobility, child safety anti-bicker glass, and shopping cart crumple zones.
"My opponent has called my position on fuel-efficiency standards extreme," President Obama told supporters at a recent campaign stop in Virginia. "I suppose it's also extreme to require that cars come equipped with lasers. So you can, you know, zap things.
"I'd like my opponent to tell me how the American driver will be able to zap things if cars don't come equipped with lasers," Obama added. "I'll tell you how: not very easily, that's how."
The Obama administration's plan, which covers automobile model years 2026-2035, calls for 40% of all cars sold in America to be capable of flying and 75% of those cars to have laser-inclusion options, because "what fun is driving a flying car if you can't zap things with lasers?"
Republican strategists who were quick to criticize the new fuel economy standards were at a loss to combat the president's latest calls for innovation, acknowledging that flying cars and lasers do go hand in hand. However, GOP nominee Mitt Romney said he would reconsider the requirement, instead seeking "a better way to allow Americans to zap things" than relying solely on "giant fricking lasers."
"The president tells voters that his fuel regulations will save them thousands of dollars at the pump," Romney told The Detroit News. "Which they will then turn around and spend recharging their lasers. The only way anyone can afford that is if they have an offshore bank account and avoid paying back taxes.
"I mean, I imagine that's the only way someone could afford it," he added. "It's just, you know, conjecture. Nobody actually does that, I'm sure."
Romney noted that under Republican guidance, the government is already subsidizing manufacturing for the Swiss Army SUV, which is toted as providing a practical and economical solution to fuel efficiency concerns, plus comes standard with free nail clippers. However, government officials say Obama's plan brings the auto industry into the 21st century.
"I was on a website that showed me what date in the future Marty McFly went to in Back To The Future and that date was today," said Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood. "We may not have hovercraft skateboards or coats that dry themselves, but goshdarnit, we are going to have flying cars if it's the last thing this administration does."
Insurance companies quick to monetize any driving situation beyond the norm have yet to announce a pricing structure for flying cars, but say they do plan to jack up premiums and decrease coverage areas, a practice known as legitimate rape.
"Someone has to take advantage of all the money consumers will be saving at the pump," said one insurance company spokesperson. "We just have to make sure to beat the oil companies to it."
PURCELLVILLE, Vir. (CAP) - When Wayne Rooney tells people what he does for a living, he's usually met with some measure of disdain, if not downright disgust. Wayne is a horse breeder, and owner and proprietor of Comestible Colt Farms in this small Loudoun Valley town.
Except Wayne doesn't breed horses for show or for racing - he breeds them for eating.
"I love every one of my horses from the moment they're born right up until they're on a plate with a baked potato and a side of steamed broccoli," says Rooney. "Splash on a little bit of A1 sauce ... whoo-wee! That's good eatin'."
BOSTON (CAP) - Embarrassed New York Times executives, in preparing for an impending sale of their New England media group including the Boston Globe, were surprised to discover this week that the Globe hadn't published a daily print edition in more than two years.
"We knew things weren't great up there, but we thought they were at least still publishing," said New York Times spokeswoman Ellen Murphy. "You'd think we'd have gotten a phone call, an email, something..."
Apparently the people at the Times weren't the only ones who failed to notice when the Globe ceased publication. A CAP News survey of 5,000 Boston-area residents found that more than 90 percent of them had no idea the Globe had stopped printing, and most of the ones that did were former Globe employees, homeless people who had been using the paper for blankets, or papier mache aficionados.
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