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PARENTING
Ryan Believes Life Begins At Second Base
NEW YORK (CAP) - During a recent interview with Fox News host Sean Hannity, Republican Vice Presidential nominee Paul Ryan expanded his definition of life to encompass what he referred to as "the early stages of intimacy."
"There are some who feel that life begins at conception, Sean," he said. "But those of us of religious faith who are in deeply committed relationships know that the act of conception itself is only part of the story."
Ryan explained that in his view, intent was the ultimate marker of life's beginning. "And the intent to create life begins long before the act," he said. "In fact, some would argue that life technically begins the moment one spouse inserts a romantic comedy into the DVD player as the couple settles in for casual date night."
Admitting that he was bringing the debate to a level that could be seen as "opening a can of life-worms," Ryan noted that scholars have written papers asserting that life begins as early as the moment two individuals who are destined to become lifelong partners first lay eyes on each other.
"I may be splitting life-hairs by saying this, but since the purpose of entering into a committed partnership is to create life, I'm comfortable with the idea that life actually begins during the marriage ceremony," he added. "Or perhaps when they get the wedding invitations printed? Or maybe when they put down a deposit on the venue, or choose the caterer? It's a tough call."
Asked point-blank for his own benchmark for when life begins, Ryan paused for a moment.
"I know some supporters of stricter definitions are going to take issue with my view," he said finally. "But personally, I feel that life begins at second base."
Ryan told Hannity that sometimes he finds himself putting his arm casually around his wife and thinking, Gee, I'm in the mood to create some life tonight, but then has to ask whether that desire actually constitutes the creation of life.
"After all, what if she's not into it?" Ryan asked. "Or what if you end up sleeping on the couch that night because she caught you autographing a young woman's exposed bra-strap at the Republican National Convention, even though you were just being polite?
"No, I think that second base is the best measure I've found," Ryan concluded. "Because at first base, nothing is guaranteed, especially if she happens to glance over at the TV and become engrossed in a re-run of Say Yes To The Dress in the middle of your trying to get your life on.
"By second base, though, you can be pretty assured that there's some life-creation on the horizon for you," he added. "God willing."
Ryan closed the interview by explaining to Fox viewers that now perhaps it is easier to understand what he means when he says that he is extremely pro-life under all circumstances.
Contributing Writer
WASHINGTON (CAP) - A new study out of the Pew Research Center finds that the wedding of Honey Boo Boo's mother June Shannon to longtime boyfriend Mike Thompson has devalued all marriages to the point where people are ashamed to admit they share the same connubial status as the reality show couple.
"People have been watching the train wreck that is Mama June and Sugar Bear since Honey Boo Boo's Toddlers & Tiaras days and - Oh my God, I can't believe I just said that sentence with a straight face," said Pew spokesman Dr. Francis Spitznagel.
"The bottom line is that 87% of the couples we surveyed wanted to immediately annul their marriages just to ensure they had nothing in common with those two wastoids," Spitznagel added. "The other 13% thought we were talking about a new Yogi Bear movie."
TUSCALOOSA, Ala. (CAP) - New research from the University of Alabama suggests that regular consumption of what is often considered a traditional Southern diet may be directly linked to the mammoth posteriors attached to those who partake in such meals.
"Fatty foods are high in cholesterol, sugary drinks are linked to diabetes and salty foods lead to high blood pressure," said lead researcher Jerry Truvant. "And all of it turns you into a lard ass."
The study involved assessments of more than 20,000 people aged 45 and over shopping at various Wal-Mart stores throughout the South. In order to ensure data was not skewed, researchers avoided anyone who already had their paws in a bag of pork rinds before even leaving the store.
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