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HEALTHCARE
Insurers Introduce 'Slut Advantage' Health Plan
BOSTON (CAP) - As they gear up to implement the new changes to contraception coverage mandated by the Affordable Care Act, some health insurance companies have revamped their offerings to make them simpler for immoral women to navigate.
"Thanks to our new plans, access to your birth control is now as easy as you are!" says a new televised ad from private insurance company HealthMed.
The ad urges female users to "simply log onto HealthMed.com and choose the coverage that's right for you, based on your level of wantonness."
HealthMed company spokesman Alan Jones explained that the new offerings include three tiers of coverage so that women can pick the plan best suited to their shameful needs. Jones noted that the basic plan, Slut Plus(tm), offers savings on spermicide and condoms.
"And for women whose out-out-of-control sexual appetites require an additional level of coverage, there's Slut Advantage(tm), which includes an unlimited supply of Skank Pills," he explained.
The company's highest level of contraception coverage, Preferred Slut(tm), includes cervical and breast cancer screenings, regular STD checkups, prenatal care, and greatly reduced prices on expensive, long-term birth control options such as IUDs.
"Recommended for the sort of depraved female who plans on being sexually active on a regular basis for much of her life, Preferred Slut(tm) is designed to give fallen women the tools they need to debase themselves freely and without worry," said Jones. "Note that I didn't say without judgment."
HealthMed has faced criticism for not offering a similar plan to male consumers, which it has strongly refuted.
"Studies have shown that men do not typically assume the cost for most forms of contraception, since it is not their problem if women can't keep their goddamn knees together," said industry analyst Michael Sykes. "Plus, a man's sexual life is his own business."
Supporters of the new mandate claim that it is about time the healthcare industry shifted some of the burden of paying for birth control off of women.
"In these tough economic times, a growing number of women have trouble affording prescription birth control, which is basic preventative health care," said Reese Levy, an associate director of Planned Parenthood.
"Many also use hormonal birth control to alleviate painful menstrual cramps and to treat ovarian cysts and other serious medical conditions," she added.
Levy went on to call the mandate's required birth control coverage "a wonderful step in the right direction," before presumably heading down to the dock to do what women like her do best.
Contributing Writer
WASHINGTON (CAP) - A new study out of the Pew Research Center finds that the wedding of Honey Boo Boo's mother June Shannon to longtime boyfriend Mike Thompson has devalued all marriages to the point where people are ashamed to admit they share the same connubial status as the reality show couple.
"People have been watching the train wreck that is Mama June and Sugar Bear since Honey Boo Boo's Toddlers & Tiaras days and - Oh my God, I can't believe I just said that sentence with a straight face," said Pew spokesman Dr. Francis Spitznagel.
"The bottom line is that 87% of the couples we surveyed wanted to immediately annul their marriages just to ensure they had nothing in common with those two wastoids," Spitznagel added. "The other 13% thought we were talking about a new Yogi Bear movie."
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Once attainable only by prescription or on the black market through Canadian pharmacies, the so-called 'Morning After' lollipop will soon be available over the counter thanks to a federal court's ruling.
"As the age of children having sex continues to drop, we're getting to the point where they aren't even old enough to be able to swallow a pill," U.S. District Court Judge Edward Korman wrote in his decision.
"It's time our medications keep pace with our society," he added.
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