SATIRE

Major League Baseball has signed an exclusive deal with the document sharing app Evernote to disseminate player steroid information among managers real-time during games. "Sometimes it's tough to tell if a guy's juicing," said one manager. "But thanks to this app, I'll know without even leaving the dugout steps." «» Tiger Woods has accepted Sergio Garcia's apology for his racist fried chicken comment, saying, "It's okay, because I actually really like fried chicken. And I'm not really black. In fact, I'm more Asian than anything. So if you want to insult me, you should use fried rice, not fried chicken." «» NBA star Jason Collins has come out and publicly announced that he is black and has been his entire life, shocking teammates who "thought he just tanned really well." Said one friend, "There was always speculation, but after he appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated, we knew for sure." «» With the first overall pick in the NFL draft, the Kansas City Chiefs have selected ACC referee Ron Cherry, a move expected to bolster a team whose only hope of winning this year is to have their own referee on payroll. "I wish we thought of that," noted the Jaguars. «» Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice, fired for abusing his players, has been offered a job coaching Penn State. "As long as the kids keep their clothes on, then we're a step ahead of where we usually are," said AD Dave Joyner. "Besides, I want him on my intramural dodgeball team." «» The AFL's Orlando Predators have offered Tim Tebow a 15-year contract, saying head injuries and longevity are no concern for a man who never takes a snap. "We don't need him to actually play," said owner Brett Bouchy. "We just want him there to keep our quarterback on his toes." «» Kobe Bryant has decided not to divorce his wife Vanessa, citing "irreconcilable dollar amounts." The Lakers star said he would have to produce two or three new sex tapes per year just to afford the alimony, which would then make his gratuitous sexual trysts "seem way too much like work." «» The UN has awarded North Korea Most Angry Nation status, elevating the Asian state alongside the likes of Syria, Iran and Israel. The new standing affords Kim Jong Un complimentary anger management counseling as well as a coupon for a free hug from a world leader of his choice. «» Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries has caved to the backlash against his discriminatory marketing, saying he will open a new store called Abercrombie & Fatso. "I'm telling you right now, plus sizes means plus prices," he said. "But I think if anyone can make fat people cool, it's me." «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «»

Major League Baseball has signed an exclusive deal with the document sharing app Evernote to disseminate player steroid information among managers real-time during games. "Sometimes it's tough to tell if a guy's juicing," said one manager. "But thanks to this app, I'll know without even leaving the dugout steps." «» Tiger Woods has accepted Sergio Garcia's apology for his racist fried chicken comment, saying, "It's okay, because I actually really like fried chicken. And I'm not really black. In fact, I'm more Asian than anything. So if you want to insult me, you should use fried rice, not fried chicken." «» NBA star Jason Collins has come out and publicly announced that he is black and has been his entire life, shocking teammates who "thought he just tanned really well." Said one friend, "There was always speculation, but after he appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated, we knew for sure." «» With the first overall pick in the NFL draft, the Kansas City Chiefs have selected ACC referee Ron Cherry, a move expected to bolster a team whose only hope of winning this year is to have their own referee on payroll. "I wish we thought of that," noted the Jaguars. «» Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice, fired for abusing his players, has been offered a job coaching Penn State. "As long as the kids keep their clothes on, then we're a step ahead of where we usually are," said AD Dave Joyner. "Besides, I want him on my intramural dodgeball team." «» The AFL's Orlando Predators have offered Tim Tebow a 15-year contract, saying head injuries and longevity are no concern for a man who never takes a snap. "We don't need him to actually play," said owner Brett Bouchy. "We just want him there to keep our quarterback on his toes." «» Kobe Bryant has decided not to divorce his wife Vanessa, citing "irreconcilable dollar amounts." The Lakers star said he would have to produce two or three new sex tapes per year just to afford the alimony, which would then make his gratuitous sexual trysts "seem way too much like work." «» The UN has awarded North Korea Most Angry Nation status, elevating the Asian state alongside the likes of Syria, Iran and Israel. The new standing affords Kim Jong Un complimentary anger management counseling as well as a coupon for a free hug from a world leader of his choice. «» Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries has caved to the backlash against his discriminatory marketing, saying he will open a new store called Abercrombie & Fatso. "I'm telling you right now, plus sizes means plus prices," he said. "But I think if anyone can make fat people cool, it's me." «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «»