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American Cancer Society Strips Armstrong Of Nads
ATLANTA, Ga. (CAP) - Bad news continues to pour in for embattled cyclist Lance Armstrong, who recently lost his seven Tour de France titles after refusing to fight charges levied by the U.S. Anti-Doping Association that he used steroids to help him win those races.
Now the American Cancer Society has stripped him of his remaining testicle amidst allegations that the former champion used drugs to aid in his battle against cancer.
"There's a right way to fight cancer and a wrong way to fight cancer," said ACS Chief Medical Officer Otis Brawley. "If you want to cheat at a sport, that's one thing. But to straight up cheat at life like that? It's disappointing."
Records uncovered by ACS officials appear to indicate that while undergoing testicular cancer treatment in 1997, Armstrong was prescribed and ultimately used the three drugs etoposide, ifosfamide, and cisplatin to fight the disease. A number of witnesses have come forward to confirm the suspicions.
"I was in the waiting room reading a six-month old issue of Good Housekeeping when I saw Dr. Craig Nichols hand him something - and it wasn't a lollipop," said one woman who asked not to be identified. "I could tell they were trying to be secretive because they used some sort of codeword like cocktail or something - but it was clearly drugs."
For his part, Armstrong denies the allegations, saying he only used surgery and chemotherapy to ward off the stage three cancer that had spread to numerous parts of his body. He said he may have "popped a couple Tylenol" while they were surgically removing his diseased testicle, but for the most part it was sheer willpower and a good night's sleep that got him through the ordeal.
"I did what? I don't even know how to pronounce those drugs, let alone take them," Armstrong told CAP News. "I mean, do you take them orally, or do you jab a needle into your ass like the steroids I ... this interview is over."
Armstrong's fan base continues to show support for the dethroned champion, whose ongoing battle against the charges has gained the attention of such sports stars as Barry Bonds, Justin Gatlin and Floyd Landis.
"I'd give my right nut to Lance if it hadn't been replaced with steel metal balls when I became a cyborg," said Landis. "If it weren't for Lance, cyclists would still be wearing space-age helmets and biker shorts two sizes too small. Oh, wait..."
The prostate cancer survivor's group Bikers With Balls held a rally in Armstrong's Plano, Tex. hometown, where hundreds turned out for a five-mile ride, holding signs and chanting, "Swing 'em to the left, swing 'em to the right; don't let Lance Armstrong give up this fight!"
Armstrong's lawyers have filed an injunction to keep the stripped testicle on ice in the event he is able to get it back on appeal.
LAS VEGAS (CAP) - O.J. Simpson is back in court again today seeking a retrial of his 2008 conviction for robbery and kidnapping and says if granted, this time he'll plead guilty and save the state the cost of a new trial.
"The way I figure it, judges are a lot more lenient when you admit your guilt and say you're sorry," Simpson told reporters. "So hopefully with a new trial I can get off with time served and put this whole nonsense behind me.
"Besides, I can't look for the real killer of Nicole and Ron if I'm all cooped up behind bars," he noted.
NEW YORK (CAP) - The NFL is slated to become the first major professional sport to openly endorse the use of homosexuals thanks to a decision by Commissioner Roger Goodell to expand each team's regular season roster to 54 players.
"Critics will tell you that football is a straight man's game," Goodell said at the press conference to announce the change. "I know, there's nothing straighter than one guy grabbing another guy by the waist, throwing him to the ground, and then jumping on him.
"But let's face it, this is the day of the gay, and we're going to capitalize on that," he added.
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