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Major Hospitals To Offer Porn-Free Surgical Units
NEW YORK (CAP) - A conglomeration of the largest U.S. hospitals, including Mount Sinai in New York, Mass General in Boston and Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles, has announced plans to begin construction on new surgical wings that will offer patients a pornography-free experience while undergoing operations ranging from simple procedures to life-saving techniques.
"As an innovator of the medical community, we are constantly striving to improve the patient experience," said Mount Sinai spokesperson William Petry. "Whether it be limiting smoke breaks during long surgeries to less than 10 minutes or ensuring surgeons wash their hands after using the bathroom, we want patients to know that when your life hangs in the balance, we've got your best interests at heart."
With skyrocketing medical costs, some pundits are questioning why the bigger hospitals are putting money into building new wings to implement porn-free policies, rather than just converting a portion of their existing operating rooms. Cedars-Sinai spokesperson Rhonda Plathe says it's all a matter of not disturbing the apple cart.
"We save thousands upon thousands of lives every year doing things the way we've always done them and on the one hand, don't fix what ain't broke," Plathe said. "However, we understand there's a growing portion of the populace who doesn't want their doctor watching porn while performing an operation - and it's our duty to meet that need."
Plathe also noted that each new wing will require the hiring of its own dedicated staff to meet the porn-free guidelines as existing contracts with doctors prohibit alterations to their current porn viewing habits.
"Plus if a surgeon's got great success while watching some girl on girl, who are we to say no he can't?" Plathe added. "In some cases, perfomring an operation without watching porn would be like making a surgical incision without a scalpel: you'd be a fool to try."
At least a couple hospitals had given indications of eventually going completely porn-free, but they will have an uphill battle to try to implement such a radical change. The American Civil Liberties Union has come out in support of doctors, saying they will fight any attempt to eradicate porn, much like they did against policies prohibiting doctors and nurses from having sex in medical supply closets.
"Surgeries these days can run in excess of five, six, seven hours and often are very tedious and quite frankly, very boring," said ACLU spokesperson Josh McElroy. "No one expects anyone in corporate America to go an entire workday without watching some porn, so why should doctors be any different?"
And although the move is intended to help consumers, it likely won't come without a cost as insurance carriers have been slow to embrace coverage of porn-free hospital environments. Insured patients can expect higher copays for no-porn elective surgeries and a sliding scale of coverage depending on the degree of porn.
According to Tufts Healthcare documents obtained by CAP News, the new Schedule X calls for coverage ranging from 50% for surgeries involving "softcore, single man/single woman missionary style and barely legal teen" porn to a full 100% for operating rooms equipped with HD devices capable of streaming "hardcore, coed or swinger groupsex and MILF" porn.
Currently the new options are intended to cover only inpatient surgeries, although guidelines are expected shortly for Japanese anime during outpatient and other day surgeries.
WASHINGTON (CAP) - A new study out of the Pew Research Center finds that the wedding of Honey Boo Boo's mother June Shannon to longtime boyfriend Mike Thompson has devalued all marriages to the point where people are ashamed to admit they share the same connubial status as the reality show couple.
"People have been watching the train wreck that is Mama June and Sugar Bear since Honey Boo Boo's Toddlers & Tiaras days and - Oh my God, I can't believe I just said that sentence with a straight face," said Pew spokesman Dr. Francis Spitznagel.
"The bottom line is that 87% of the couples we surveyed wanted to immediately annul their marriages just to ensure they had nothing in common with those two wastoids," Spitznagel added. "The other 13% thought we were talking about a new Yogi Bear movie."
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Once attainable only by prescription or on the black market through Canadian pharmacies, the so-called 'Morning After' lollipop will soon be available over the counter thanks to a federal court's ruling.
"As the age of children having sex continues to drop, we're getting to the point where they aren't even old enough to be able to swallow a pill," U.S. District Court Judge Edward Korman wrote in his decision.
"It's time our medications keep pace with our society," he added.
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