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Kirstie Alley Slugs Maksim Chmerkovskiy, Just In Case
HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - In the wake of reports that Dancing With The Stars regular Maksim Chmerkovskiy had slapped his partner Hope Solo while preparing for the show last year, his next partner, actress Kirstie Alley, thought it best not to take any chances.
"I started our first rehearsal by winding up and socking him square in the jaw," Alley said, demonstrating her roundhouse punch with a swing of her beefy forearm.
She noted that since the punch didn't quite knock him over, she followed it up with a Three Stooges belly bounce that sent him careening off the practice room's mirrored wall. She then mounted him as he lay prone on the floor and pinned both his legs between her massive thighs.
"I told him he shouldn't think about laying a hand on me unless he thought he might like two broken knees," Alley recalled, saying he actually began crying as she tightened her vise-like leg grip.
"These guys think they're so tough until they're underneath a broad twice as heavy and three times as mean," said Alley. "Ask Woody Harrelson about that."
In clips from the upcoming season released by ABC, Chmerkovskiy looks markedly anxious, flinching noticeably as Alley shakes her hips menacingly at him during the paso doble. He declined to answer questions from reporters, but appeared to respond to the allegations on his Twitter feed Thursday, writing, "PLEASE SEND HELP!"
Later he tweeted "I'm a crybaby! I hit girls! Wah wah wah!" but Alley later admitted taking his phone from him and using his Twitter account herself. "Then I sold his phone on eBay," she said. "I told him if he has a problem with that he can take it up with my massive thighs."
According to witnesses close to the show, Chmerkovskiy responded by squeaking "That's OK" and curling up into a little ball.
Alley is returning to the show's all-star edition this fall, a move hailed by local unions after her last appearance required complete reinforcement of the show's dance floor and practice areas. But apparently Alley's actions have caused some consternation on the set.
"She's large, she's scary, she's sexy!" said DWTS judge and former GOP presidential contender Bruno Tonioli, gyrating his hips and gesticulating wildly. "She's like My Big Fat Sleek Rending!" Asked what that meant, Tonioli admitted he had no idea.
The incident between Chmerkovskiy and Solo is only the latest in a string of unfortunate incidents to plague the show, including contestant Marie Osmond's problems with low Mormon energy, the failure of spinoffs Shadow Dancing With The Stars and Dancing With The Viral Video Stars, and the time Joey Fatone's leg flew off.
"And Maksim better watch it unless he wants to see one of his legs flying off, if you get my drift," said Alley, noting that host Tom Bergeron should also stop being so grabby if he knows what's good for him.
HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Star Trek: Into Darkness, the second Trek movie in the series of reboots directed by J.J. Abrams, ruled the box office over the weekend, drawing almost as huge an audience as one of George Takei's Facebook memes involving Capt. Jean-Luc Picard or a cat.
"Really, we couldn't be any happier," said Peter Franklin of Paramount Pictures of the opening weekend gross. "About the only way we could have done better is if we had made a meme involving Darth Vader or Willy Wonka or gay marriage, and George Takei had shared it."
Takei, who played Hikaru Sulu in the original Star Trek series, now spends most of his time sharing memes on Facebook that are in turn liked and shared by his over 100 million followers, usually within minutes.
NEWPORT BEACH, Calif. (CAP) - Even as news continues to filter out about whether and where Lindsay Lohan has checked into rehab, officials at the Morningside Recovery Center are flattered that Lindsay Lohan would fly all the way across the country just to visit them - so much so that they have decided to name a wing after the troubled actress.
"Just as we are dedicated to providing exceptional care, treatment and services to the plethora of junkies, lushes and losers who walk through our doors, it's only appropriate that we honor those who show the same dedication by coming back again and again," the center said in a prepared statement.
The newly named Lohan Adjunct is located inside Morningside's clinical building and contains half a dozen general purpose rooms perfect for impromptu meetings with one's agent, signing the first 100 copies of one's tell-all book, or discussing rights to the movie with producers.
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