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Yahoo To Offer Fog-Based Computing Services
SAN FRANCISCO (CAP) - Newly appointed Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer has come out swinging, announcing a series of radical initiatives aimed at rebuilding the reputation of the once-relevant search company. The cornerstone of the new platform is the implementation of Fog-based computing, designed to be more tangible and less ethereal than the Cloud.
"When you put your company's services and data in the Cloud, it's far away - it's way up there," Mayer said at a press conference to outline the new plan. "But when you put your company's business in a Fog, it's right there - it's all around you.
"If you thought the Cloud was transparent, wait till you head into the Fog," the pregnant Mayer added. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go pee."
According to Yahoo's white paper, the crux of the new offering is a technology void of any datacenters, drawing instead on the untapped resources that exist virtually everywhere. Those resources can range from unused space on smartphones and other wireless devices to onboard computers and dashboard systems in automobiles to the underutilized brain power of America's teenage population.
"Wid, uhh, Fog-based computings, you send your datas out from your device where we split it into hundred of smaller pieces and store it pretty much anywheres we can find," said lead product developer Ye Ng Wu. "Some byte of data may end up on your neighbor's internet-enabled refrigerator, wid other datas stored maybe on yours DVR, and other datas on the GPS of a car driving by."
Ng Wu said the nexus of the Fog is Yahoo's proprietary WindstormŽ technology wherein the data never sits still, constantly transferring from device to device within proximity of the creator's location to ensure the information is always available when needed. And through what Yahoo calls their Fog Area Rapid Transit, the necessary data can make its way effortlessly and instantaneously to be shared with any device in the world.
CAP News technology expert Gordie Duvall had the opportunity to test drive the Fog and said this product may have already cemented Mayer's legacy, even likely withstanding the graphic images of her in labor that will undoubtedly surface when the time comes.
"The blazing speed, the ease of use - witnessing Yahoo's FART in the WindstormŽ is truly impressive," said Duvall. "And you thought being able to update your Facebook status from your iPhone while taking a dump was an amazing advancement.
"Cloud computing, say hello to Betamax, Laserdiscs and the cassingle," Duvall added. "I'm afraid your time has already passed."
Tech bloggers and other industry pundits have not been so quick to jump on the Yahoo bandwagon, opting instead to wait for the 2013 Marissa Mayer Swimsuit Calendar before determining whether her tenure at the helm of the search giant has legs, so to speak. But most agree that Fog computing and a tankini are a good start.
"Unlike that little black and red number Mayer wears in the March picture, Yahoo's Fog offering is not skimpy," wrote one blogger. "I'm looking forward to stripping it down and getting a peek at what's underneath.
"The Fog, that is. Underneath the Fog."
BOSTON (CAP) - Twitter's vast network of assholes is taking credit this week for the location and capture of Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, noting that without their constant uninformed speculation, it's highly doubtful he would have been found.
"We were tweeting literally 24 hours a day all week about this," noted a Twitter asshole known as @sux4uu. "We had some really good ideas, like that it was fundamentalist Muslim clerics, or renegade priests, or Whitey Bulger."
Though not a single suggestion on Twitter wound up yielding anything close to reality, @sux4uu noted that without their contributions, the investigation would have been "wicked boring."
MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. (CAP) - With the debut of Google Glass still some time away, creators have announced that they're already working on an alternate model for consumers who have no desire to "get off their lazy asses ever again."
Where its predecessor aims to help users better experience the world around them, Google Glass 2.0 eliminates the need to be out in the world altogether, insiders say.
Using cutting-edge virtual reality technology, 2.0 will give users the feeling that they're surrounded by friends, achieving their life goals, and have a purpose to go on living without requiring them to even get out of bed in the morning.
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