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Subway Introduces New Fifty Shades Of Footlong
MILFORD, Conn. (CAP) - In a tie-in with author E L James's smash-hit erotica trilogy Fifty Shades Of Grey, Subway recently announced the debut of its new Fifty Shades Of Footlong sandwich. A press release claims the new sandwich "will bring you to new heights of flavor you never before thought possible."
Thus far, consumer response has been overwhelmingly positive. "The new Subway sandwich pinned me up against the wall and dominated my taste buds until I was begging for mercy," financial analyst Robin Johnson told CAP News.
"My legs are still shaking," she added, biting her lip nervously.
Loyal Subway customer Denise Rogers also had nothing but praise for the new sub, which she says, "claimed my mouth with a savage passion that I've been waiting all my life to experience.
"Add chips and a drink for just $1.75, and you've got yourself one satisfied customer," she said, blushing furiously.
Critics have questioned whether it was appropriate for Subway to align its family-friendly brand with such a provocative literary and pop culture phenomenon. However, company spokesperson Andy Morrison claims that the collaboration "satisfies a deep-seated hunger which many consumers have only now begun to acknowledge.
"Not only that, but our new footlong only contains seven grams of fat, if you keep the fixings to a minimum," Morrison said with a growl, licking his lips. "In fact, you should eat one right now," he demanded. "You look hungry."
As the public's appetite for the rich and dangerously attractive sandwich has grown, fans have begun to notice that its consumption is slowly entering the mainstream.
"I used to be embarrassed to be caught eating the Fifty Shades Of Footlong in public," admitted Evelyn Sparks, a hairstylist from Chicago. "But suddenly I started looking around, and it seemed like everyone else was doing it, without the least bit of shame or guilt."
Sparks said she's glad she discovered the product. "This sandwich saved my marriage," she said. "I tell everyone I meet that they have just got to try it."
Despite its instant popularity, many Subway patrons say they are unimpressed by the company's latest offering.
"My friends and I have been eating this type of footlong for years," Detroit receptionist Juliette Sands told CAP News. "It's really nothing new - but suddenly all these people are acting like it's totally unprecedented and daring."
A television ad campaign for the footlong - featuring Subway spokesman Jared wearing a blindfold and nipple clamps - was pulled after large numbers of viewers complained. In its place, a flashy new print ad campaign with the headline "Let Our Sub Make You Its Sub" is expected to be rolled out next week.
BOSTON (CAP) - Embarrassed New York Times executives, in preparing for an impending sale of their New England media group including the Boston Globe, were surprised to discover this week that the Globe hadn't published a daily print edition in more than two years.
"We knew things weren't great up there, but we thought they were at least still publishing," said New York Times spokeswoman Ellen Murphy. "You'd think we'd have gotten a phone call, an email, something..."
Apparently the people at the Times weren't the only ones who failed to notice when the Globe ceased publication. A CAP News survey of 5,000 Boston-area residents found that more than 90 percent of them had no idea the Globe had stopped printing, and most of the ones that did were former Globe employees, homeless people who had been using the paper for blankets, or papier mache aficionados.
NEW YORK (CAP) - A new survey by Forbes Magazine finds more and more American companies shipping unheralded office tasks such as workplace bullying and sexual harassment to offshore resources in order to cut down on U.S. labor costs.
"It doesn't make sense for me to have that one guy who makes your job a living hell sitting in an office in Manhatten when everyone he interacts with is working remotely," said one Fortune 500 CEO. "I can get a guy in India to harass you over the phone for half that cost."
Many people who took part in the survey said being bullied by a foreign coworker was often worse than being subjected to the same by an American counterpart because of the language barrier and social differences.
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