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POP MUSIC
One Direction 2018 Tour Completely Sold Out
LONDON (CAP) - Concert promoters for the British boy band One Direction have announced that all dates for the 2018 leg of the pop group's lifelong world tour have sold out, merely a week after selling out 102 shows across four continents for the calendar year 2017. Dates and venues for 2019 will be announced next month.
"We probably won't even still be together after 2015, but if teenage girls want to keep buying tickets for our shows years in advance, who are we to stop selling them?" said member Niall Horan. "At some point we're going to hit puberty, and I can't imagine we'll still be able to get away with singing this shlock."
While Horan's vision for the group's future may not be so rosy, other members say they hope to one day perform for the unborn children of the girls who are buying their tickets now. "And if we father any of those children, well that's just cracking, isn't it?" added member Zayn Malik, referring to the method of manufacturing one's own fan base as perfected by the Rolling Stones.
Music pundits say One Direction's advanced ticket sales could usher in a new era of planning tours and booking shows, ensuring longevity for bands who probably don't have more than one good album in them. The group's 2013 tour will ride the coattails of the release of their second studio album, which will likely be their last.
"Seriously, if we can sell out 600 shows on just three hit singles, then what the hell do we even need a second album for?" said member Liam Payne. "In fact, for some shows I think we're just gonna alternate between Beautiful and One Thing for 90 minutes, give ourselves a break.
"I bet if we mix up the dance routines a bit, no one'll notice the difference," Payne added.
Even critics of this approach to band management acknowledge that it could negate the need for overhyped reunion tours since these groups would never fully disappear from the public spotlight. However, many point out that a group of middle-aged men singing to an arena full of teenaged girls is "nothing short of creepy."
"Man, I wish we had thought of that," said 40-year-old former 'N Sync member Chris Kirkpatrick when CAP News caught up with him bussing tables at an Outback Steakhouse. "Hey, did you know Lance Bass is gay? That guy over at the bar just told me. I had no idea."
Managers for One Direction are still grappling with the age issue, hoping to avoid the shock and male-pattern baldness that came along with the NKOTB reunion tour a couple years back. One approach could be employing the use of holograms to replace aging band members with younger versions of themselves on stage.
"It won't matter if you see them in 2017 or 2027 - they'll be exactly the way you remember them," said 1D tour manager Paul Higgins. "It's the perfect concert experience and the perfect job security for me."
One Direction's new movie, Another Year In The Making debuts in 2014, followed by New Year, Same Us in 2017 and Has It Really Been A Decade? in 2020.
HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - An injury suffered by Baywatch star Nicole Eggert on ABC's reality diving show Splash - the latest in a series of mishaps on the set - has producers rethinking plans to go forward with Celebrity Chainsaw Juggling, set for debut this fall.
"Up until now, we hadn't really thought beyond the fact that putting B-level celebrities in situations where they could be gravely injured or killed was ratings gold," noted Chainsaw producer Martin Shafer. "Well, okay, C-level celebrities."
However, "We never really thought about what would happen if they were actually gravely injured or killed," Shafer said, acknowledging that it would probably still boost ratings, but only temporarily.
HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - It made more than $432 million at the box office worldwide, but now that it's out on DVD and Blu-ray, the musical sensation Les Miserables is causing consternation among viewers who are finding the film they loved in theaters to be "embarrassingly ridiculous" at home.
"Oh my God ... What was I thinking?" asked Donna Hetweiler, 44, who says she loved Les Mis in the theater but was now cringing as she watched Anne Hathaway coughing and crying in the privacy of her Madison, Wisc., living room.
"On the big screen she seemed so, you know, epic," said Hetweiler. "On my TV she just looks like a skinny, mucousy Anne Hathaway."
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