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Lady Gaga/Man-Bat Tour Reportedly In Jeopardy
JAKARTA (CAP) - Faced with opposition from several hard-line conservative groups, Lady Gaga has postponed her Indonesian spring concert tour with her scheduled co-headliner, Man-Bat.
"While we realize that Dr. Kirk Langstrom was just trying to cure his own deafness when he developed his bat sonar extract, the fact remains that it turned him into a hideous man-sized bat hell-bent on mindless destruction," read a statement from the Islam Defenders Front.
"Now, in addition to promoting pornography and satanic values with her music, Lady Gaga is putting the entire population of Jakarta at risk of being terrorized by Man-Bat, and possibly his wife, Francine Langstrom, a.k.a. She-Bat," the statement continued.
News of the postponement has devastated Indonesian fans, who had been clamoring for a live Lady Gaga/Man-Bat collaboration for years.
"Boy George was on the bill too, but we weren't as excited about that," noted diehard Gaga fan Daren Sibarani, who had planned to welcome Gaga and Man-Bat with a flash mob of 124 students, half of them dressed as bats, the other half wearing meat.
"Mostly dead chickens," said Sibarani.
The tour was to have had several stops in Indonesia featuring various performers in addition to Lady Gaga, Man-Bat and Boy George. These included She-Hulk, Boyz II Men, Lady Antebellum and Man Ray, the late avant-garde Dadaist photographer.
"Not Man Ray the SpongeBob SquarePants character," noted Sibarani. "That would just be silly."
Gaga, for her part, has said she thinks the hardline groups are overreacting, noting that every time Man-Bat has gone on a rampage previously, he's been fairly easily subdued by Batman and his companion, Robin the Boy Wonder.
"Two of my favorite Little Monsters, incidentally," noted Gaga, adding, "Bat-paws up!"
Batman and Robin have both gone on the record as being big Lady Gaga fans, and have reportedly even consulted with her on her fashion choices, particularly the ones involving black molded rubber.
"And I think it's just wonderful what she's done for the LGBT community," said Batman, re-polishing his hard rubber codpiece. "Not that Robin and I would have any sort of vested interest in that."
Batman's promises to protect Indonesia from the Man-Bat weren't enough for the Islam Defenders Front, however.
"We refuse to place the safety of the people of Jakarta in the hands of a vigilante like The Batman," stated an IDF spokesman, "and besides, Lady Gaga is still promoting pornography and satanic values whether Man-Bat goes on a rampage or not."
"Ugh, I hate it when people call me The Batman," responded Batman.
This is only the latest controversy to surround Lady Gaga, who found herself under fire from the likes of Al Gore and Pope Benedict XVI over her Telephone video, and the American medical community for inspiring an epidemic of hair sculpting, eye stretching and thigh elongating among young girls.
"But this controversy seems especially pre-meditated," said Gaga. "In fact, if I didn't know better, I would say 'Weird Al' Yankovic might be involved."
Contacted for comment, Yankovic unleashed a maniacal laugh that lasted two full minutes.
HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - In an attempt to "stem the tide of wacky" that continues to engulf Gary Busey with each successive appearance on Celebrity Apprentice, the 68-year-old actor has opted to undergo a pre-emptive frontal lobotomy before the next season of the hit reality show.
In a rare unscheduled interview with Jimmy Fallon on Late Night, Busey said he was buoyed by Angelina Jolie's decision to have a double mastectomy based solely on her statistical chances of contracting breast cancer and decided to do some math of his own.
"See, if 63% of America thinks I'm crazy, and 47% voted Republican in the last election, then that leaves a 10% chance I could get hit by a bus while crossing the street," Busey told Fallon.
HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Star Trek: Into Darkness, the second Trek movie in the series of reboots directed by J.J. Abrams, ruled the box office over the weekend, drawing almost as huge an audience as one of George Takei's Facebook memes involving Capt. Jean-Luc Picard or a cat.
"Really, we couldn't be any happier," said Peter Franklin of Paramount Pictures of the opening weekend gross. "About the only way we could have done better is if we had made a meme involving Darth Vader or Willy Wonka or gay marriage, and George Takei had shared it."
Takei, who played Hikaru Sulu in the original Star Trek series, now spends most of his time sharing memes on Facebook that are in turn liked and shared by his over 100 million followers, usually within minutes.