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BEVERLY HILLS (CAP) - Children's advocacy groups are calling for the public stoning and pelting with rotten fruit of Britney Spears as she is hung in the local atrium mall by her toes in response to the pop star's heinous act of driving a short distance with her infant son on her lap earlier this month.
"I have seen a lot of really awful stuff on the news lately," said Monica Harris, an Orange County mother of three. "There was something about a war, that big rain storm that got those poor black people all upset, but this was the worst thing ever."
"She used to inspire me so much and now I just don't know what to think anymore," said Nikki Sweet, who emulated Spears' schoolgirl temptress look from Oops, I Did It Again when she was a freshman in high school and is now a 24-year-old mother of a 9-year-old daughter. "But I've never been much good at thinking for myself anyway."
Authories are reportedly considering the punishment request as a way to appease the masses and divert attention from anything of substance.
In a related story, Vice President Dick Cheney will not face charges for shooting and nearly killing a man last week.
NEWPORT BEACH, Calif. (CAP) - Even as news continues to filter out about whether and where Lindsay Lohan has checked into rehab, officials at the Morningside Recovery Center are flattered that Lindsay Lohan would fly all the way across the country just to visit them - so much so that they have decided to name a wing after the troubled actress.
"Just as we are dedicated to providing exceptional care, treatment and services to the plethora of junkies, lushes and losers who walk through our doors, it's only appropriate that we honor those who show the same dedication by coming back again and again," the center said in a prepared statement.
The newly named Lohan Adjunct is located inside Morningside's clinical building and contains half a dozen general purpose rooms perfect for impromptu meetings with one's agent, signing the first 100 copies of one's tell-all book, or discussing rights to the movie with producers.
HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - An injury suffered by Baywatch star Nicole Eggert on ABC's reality diving show Splash - the latest in a series of mishaps on the set - has producers rethinking plans to go forward with Celebrity Chainsaw Juggling, set for debut this fall.
"Up until now, we hadn't really thought beyond the fact that putting B-level celebrities in situations where they could be gravely injured or killed was ratings gold," noted Chainsaw producer Martin Shafer. "Well, okay, C-level celebrities."
However, "We never really thought about what would happen if they were actually gravely injured or killed," Shafer said, acknowledging that it would probably still boost ratings, but only temporarily.
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