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BALTIMORE (CAP) - Baltimore has been named the worst city in America, according to a new survey released this week by Men's Fitness Magazine. Baltimore takes over the top spot from Chicago, who celebrated the news with a triple shooting in Englewood.
When the annual survey named Baltimore the shittiest city in America, many Charm City residents had the same response: Gunfire! Hit the deck!
While many neighborhoods, such as Fells Point and Federal Hill, have been transformed by an influx of young professionals, a Friday night visit to the city reveals a culture that revolves around drinking and drugs. Heck, any night of the week, really.
Men's Fitness editor Michael De Medeiros is quick to point out that the survey is far from scientific, and he says it took additional factors into account this year that worked in Baltimore's favor. Among them: the number of homeless people sleeping in public parks, access to needles on street corners, the quality of street dope, and the apathy and underhandedness of the mayor.
"Baltimore is a paragon of crapulence. That's why it's the shittiest city, that's why you need to do everything you can to avoid taking I-95 through town if you need to get to the other side," De Medeiros said.
"I've been living here for 21 years," resident Mickey Smathers said. "I walk around and think - holy crap, I can't believe I haven't been gunned down in the street."
Smathers was then promptly gunned down in the street. Police are half-heartedly investigating.
WASILLA, Alaska (CAP) - As scientists continue to monitor recent explosions and seismic activity in Alaska's Cleveland Volcano, former Gov. Sarah Palin has informed local media outlets that she can indeed see the volcano from her porch, but that her family is safe and sound.
"Oh, yah, plain as day - it's practically in my back yard," Palin said as she offered chewing tobacco to reporters on her front lawn. "Todd and I were out back rustling up some grouse for dinner when we seen the ash and felt the rumblin'.
"So's I thought to myself, There goes ole Cleveland again!" she added. "But then I started yelling for a Code Pompei because who knows what was gonna happen!"
MEMPHIS (CAP) - The Elvis impersonator accused of sending a ricin-laced letter to President Obama says he's regretting picking the one week in all of U.S. history when his story would go completely unnoticed by the news media and the American public.
"In retrospect, the week before or the week after would have probably been a better bet," said Paul Kevin Curtis, who noted that not only didn't the story about an Elvis impersonator arrested for trying to kill the president not make the front pages, most people didn't even notice it at all.
"First there was the Boston bombings, then the Senate gun control vote, then the explosion in Texas, then the Boston manhunt," said Curtis from his Memphis jail cell, listing off the stories that drew attention away from his efforts.
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