Thursday | December 18, 2014
Boy Suspended For Drawing Jesus Shooting Santa
School administrators said their concern stemmed not from idea of Jesus shooting Santa, but the way blood was spurting so graphically from Santa's lifeless body.
TODAY'S TOP STORIES
Gingerbread Man Eaten After 3-County Kill Spree
The case drew much attention and prompted a "Save The Gingerbread Man" group on Facebook.
Violence Against Mall Santas Escalates
The violence follows a string of events all focused around the cost of a photo with Santa.
Obama To Guest Host Episode Of Barefoot Contessa
Producers may have the president cook only microwave-safe meals or maybe some mac-n-cheese.
CAP NEWS BRIEFS
Santa's Elves Caught In Recalled Toy Sting
The accused elves have enlisted the services of well-known celebrity lawyer Alan Dershowitz.
'Monster Under The Bed' Gag Both Amuses, Teaches
MUTB is modeled after the popular holiday doll Elf On The Shelf that keeps an eye on kids.
Wal-Mart Arms Greeters With Semi-Automatic Guns
The move reminds people when Wal-Mart tried outfitting greeters with Tasers back in 2005.
Schools Rail Against New 'Hexting' Fad
Hexting involves sending curses via text message, which range from bad hair to big pimples.
Amazon Offers Discounts For Torching Retail Stores
Some say Amazon's new mobile app "Price Burn" isn't meant to be taken quite so literally.
Post Office To Pay Tribute To Glory Days Of Porn
The USPS is hoping to get people interested in discretely-wrapped porn magazines once again.
CAP NEWS TRENDING
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2014 BY CAP NEWS
Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over the holidays due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «»
Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over the holidays due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «»