Thursday | October 8, 2015
Putin Sends Obama Map Of Middle East, Circles Syria
Russian President Vladimir Putin sends President Obama map of the Middle East with Syria circled, suggests the U.S. "try bombing over here instead"
Discovery Of Prehistoric Corn Chips Turns Paleo Diet On Its Ear
Paleo dieters rejoice as archaeologists unearth fossilized remnants of prehistoric corn chips, which carbon testing shows to have been either barbecue or cool ranch flavored
Miami Dolphins Hire Autistic Child To Replace Joe Philbin
Miami Dolphins appoint random autistic kid from United Way campaign as head coach, figure no one will notice the difference and they will save money
Supreme Court Signs Reality Show Deal To Hear Cases In 'X-Factor' Format
Judge Judy to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Supreme Court as part of effort to bring more wit and sarcasm to proceedings and appeal to 18-49 demographic
Hurricane Joaquin To Become "Hairy And Weird" As It Rolls Up The Coast
Forecasters say Hurricane Joaquin expected to transform from a coherent, sensible storm to a rambling, meandering mess as it drifts into obscurity north through the Atlantic
Boehner Posts Resume On Monster, Can't Even Get Recruiter To Call
John Boehner disillusioned at lack of jobs for someone who only works nine months per year; says he would teach but "how can anyone live off of that?"
Donald Trump, Matt Damon Team Up To Slander More Minorities, Ethnic Groups
Donald Trump picks Matt Damon as his running mate, says the pair have successfully alienated women, Muslims, Mexicans, blacks and gays, just need to offend Jews and Asians for the clean sweep
Carl Icahn Economy Video Tops 150 Likes
Economist Carl Icahn releases video warning of an impending Emu Market as "stocks zig when they should zag"; analysts concur that the billionaire "may have lost a step"
Millenials Upset At Lack Of Color Choice For Lunar Eclipse
Online petition gathers 50,000 signatures to ask NASA to schedule next super moon full moon lunar eclipse for a Saturday night, or at least earlier in the evening
China Hacks White House Sprinklers, Makes Muddy Mess Of West Lawn
Chinese President Xi Jinping storms off, condemns U.S. after President Obama refuses to share White House wifi password during dignitary's visit
Pope Francis Bets Giants To Beat Spread Vs Redskins
Doctors Warn Against Mixing Dance Moves Without Proper Training
Ben Carson Releases List Of Positions Muslims Can Hold
  • Pope Says Way To Catholic Hearts Is Through Their Stomachs
  • Millionaire Endorses Millionaire To Lead Bourgeois
  • White House To Host 'Hardened Criminal Happy Hour' To Bridge Gap
  • China Hacks Middle Class Bank Accounts, Feels Bad, Deposits Money
  • Carly Fiorina Stops Kissing Babies On Campaign Trail, Cuts Crying By 60%
  • Iran Posts Extra Nuclear Parts On Freecyle; Syria Scoops Them Up
Oprah Lands Jesus As Surprise Final Guest


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