Wednesday | April 16, 2014
God Laying Off 200 Million To Ease OvercrowdingGod Laying Off 200 Million To Ease Overcrowding
Most who have seen the list say they agree with the names that are on it, but many are concerned about the extra workload for those of us who are left behind.
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Interplanetary Coalition To Shut Down SaturnInterplanetary Coalition To Shut Down Saturn

Preliminary plans call for Saturn's 31 biggest moons to be auctioned off early next year.

Image Of Courtney Love Seen On Highway OverpassImage Of Courtney Love Seen On Highway Overpass

State highway workers hooked up an industrial power washer and "sprayed the hell out of it."

New York Mafia Lowers Lending Rate To 200%New York Mafia Lowers Lending Rate To 200%

The program "strongly encourages" businesses to make timely payments with the lower rate.

Newsmakers
NHL To Allow Brass Knuckles During Fights
@GaryBettman

NHL To Allow Brass Knuckles During Fights

NJ Bill Slaps Parents For Neglecting Child Photo-Ops
@LorettaWeinberg

NJ Bill Slaps Parents For Neglecting Child Photo-Ops

Mine Regulators Reach Deal With Seven Dwarfs
@WaltDisney

Mine Regulators Reach Deal With Seven Dwarfs

Hot Topics
Study: Most Can Only Name One Peter Frampton Album
#ShowMeTheWay

Study: Most Can Only Name One Peter Frampton Album

Secret Memos Reveal Wal-Mart
#WhistleblowingRUs

Secret Memos Reveal Wal-Mart "God" Complex

Environmentally Friendly Car Runs On Excrement
#BrownEnergy

Environmentally Friendly Car Runs On Excrement

Newsreel
Douchebags Finalize 2014 Dress Code

The American Council of Douchebags' 2014 Dress Code includes saggy cargo shorts, flip-up sunglasses, Crocs or Tevas, and the standard issue backwards baseball cap.

Obama Strikes Pizza From 2015 Budget

The news comes as a shock to Democrats who felt Obama had already conceded to the GOP by eliminating multiple toppings and allowing pepperoni but once per month.

John Tesh Shuts Down Own Social Media Site

This was John Tesh's latest attempt to stay financially solvent as his popularity continues to wane since departing from "Entertainment Tonight" over a decade ago.

Girl Scouts: The Silent Killers

A new study shows that given the fat content of the cookies they sell every year, the Girl Scouts of America may actually be killing thousands of people annually.

Archives
U.S. Accidentally Sends Wrong Bolton To Iran
Partners

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Wiggers descend on Washington to show support for their fellow wigger as the Supreme Court takes up civil rights for wiggers.

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    Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «» The CDC reports that a mysterious stomach ailment has befallen 65% of the American population, with symptoms appearing en masse just hours following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. Most the cases are centered around the Pacific Northwest and appear related to that area's overall consumption of buffalo chicken dip. «» America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» Chinese officials are preparing to launch a group of children into space as part of a mission to fix that country's broken moon rover. "We hand-selected the finest worker from all of China sweatshop," said the Xinhua news agency. "They will restore China intergalactic glory or perhaps die trying." «» The man whose job it is to hold the 'applause' sign to queue audience members during President Obama's speeches is demanding a pay raise. "My arms still hurt from the State of the Union," Fritz Gorman said. "And I swear Joe Biden just claps whenever he feels like it. Loser." «» Former first lady Hillary Clinton admitted to CAP News that she hasn't showered since 1996, a defensive mechanism she used to keep Bill away. "It was rough smelling that ripe for so long," she said. "But now that I'm 66, I use old lady perfume and that shit masks everything." «» NBC confirms that Today co-host Matt Lauer will not be hosting the Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Sochi and instead will hand the reins to LL Cool J. "LL killed it at the Grammys and Matt's just gone stale," said one network executive. "Dude's like a black Ryan Seacrest, except funny." «» Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has signed a deal to appear in every commercial that will air during the Super Bowl, plus a few beforehand. "Who doesn't want Peyton's face on their product? Dude's the new Tom Brady," said one pundit. "I guess that makes Tom the new Tim Tebow." «»
    Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «» The CDC reports that a mysterious stomach ailment has befallen 65% of the American population, with symptoms appearing en masse just hours following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. Most the cases are centered around the Pacific Northwest and appear related to that area's overall consumption of buffalo chicken dip. «» America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» Chinese officials are preparing to launch a group of children into space as part of a mission to fix that country's broken moon rover. "We hand-selected the finest worker from all of China sweatshop," said the Xinhua news agency. "They will restore China intergalactic glory or perhaps die trying." «» The man whose job it is to hold the 'applause' sign to queue audience members during President Obama's speeches is demanding a pay raise. "My arms still hurt from the State of the Union," Fritz Gorman said. "And I swear Joe Biden just claps whenever he feels like it. Loser." «» Former first lady Hillary Clinton admitted to CAP News that she hasn't showered since 1996, a defensive mechanism she used to keep Bill away. "It was rough smelling that ripe for so long," she said. "But now that I'm 66, I use old lady perfume and that shit masks everything." «» NBC confirms that Today co-host Matt Lauer will not be hosting the Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Sochi and instead will hand the reins to LL Cool J. "LL killed it at the Grammys and Matt's just gone stale," said one network executive. "Dude's like a black Ryan Seacrest, except funny." «» Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has signed a deal to appear in every commercial that will air during the Super Bowl, plus a few beforehand. "Who doesn't want Peyton's face on their product? Dude's the new Tom Brady," said one pundit. "I guess that makes Tom the new Tim Tebow." «»