Monday | April 27, 2015
Interplanetary Coalition To Shut Down Saturn
Preliminary plans call for each of Saturn's 31 biggest moons to be auctioned off early next year, with the planet itself undergoing demolition shortly after that.
TODAY'S TOP STORIES
Retailers Disappointed In Earth Day Sales Numbers
Retail sales for the Earth Day shopping season fell almost ten percent from the mid-90's.
Todd Bridges Takes 'Willis Monologues' To Broadway
The show garnered critical acclaim during many off-Broadway performances at mall food courts.
SJC To Hear Challenge To Affordable Beer Act
Joe Biden said he doesn't care much about "Supreme Court stuff" but will follow this case.
CAP NEWS BRIEFS
Study Finds Many Old People Were Once Young
Despite the findings, many young people refuse to believe that some day they may become old.
Victoria's Secret Introduces Marriage-Saving Panties
The new line promises to instantly solve the myriad problems of all unfulfilled marriages.
Popeyes Chicken Reaching Out To Abandoned Bunnies
The rabbits will be making hundreds of the Popeyes franchise's loyal customers happy.
Study: Most Can Only Name One Peter Frampton Album
The study almost didn't get off the ground as nobody under 40 knew who Peter Frampton was.
Rock And Roll Hall Again Denies Johnny Bravo
The Hall claims Johnny Bravo is not eligible for induction as he never released an album.
Non-Asshole Discovered On Twitter
The instance in question is that of @montyQ22, who has been a Twitter member since 2008.
CAP NEWS TRENDING
CAP NEWS VAULT
Ticket Holders Attempt Mass Suicide After Yankee Loss
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «»
Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «»